WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole...

[workinghardguy]

Do you hope that she will have a reaction to this?

Nope. That actually hadn't entered my mind. My first thought was that family helps family. Second was that we're both BITSs (literally!) so it might be good for both of us. Third was it would be good for my GAL. Only after all that did I think about would it send a message I don't want sent to my W.

But that thought is giving into the assumption that she *wants* to come back, which you haven't had any indication of

Wasn't hard to read, in fact it was good. I think that's one of the things I'm struggling with right now. Earlier in the week (Mon, Tue) we had a lot of interaction. During those times I listened to a lot of unhappiness from her:

• Moving was "absolutely horrible". No one showed up to help except her stepdad.
• She hates renting and her landlord doesn't like her and vice versa.
• Stuff keeps breaking and she doesn't have the money to replace or fix.
• At night when the kids are gone or asleep she feels so alone and lonely. It's hard in a big, quiet house with just herself and her thoughts.
• Getting three kids ready for school is nuts all by yourself.

Now me... if I don't like something I change it. And all week I've had running in my head that if you're so unhappy then why are we doing this? Why not just come back?

But of course, as your statement said, none of those said she wants to come back, only that she's dissatisfied with how things are for her. But dissatisfaction with her current state does not equal wanting to be with me. And all week that's been where my head is at. So thank you for pointing that out.

Just an update from today because I think it's funny and hopefully others will too...

W and I discussed last week that I would not take S to church today and instead pick him up in the afternoon and keep him overnight since I'm gone all week next week. Then I asked to expand that to include SS and SD for the afternoon and evening (I'd have them overnight but don't have beds for them.. they're ordered but not here yet).

So this morning I get a text, a call, and a second call asking about picking S up for church (I missed the first text and call). I remind her of what we agreed and she remembers. I tell her it'll be around 2:30 or 3:00 that I get there. Earlier in the week she said I could have them as much as I want this weekend because she's trying to get her house set up and cleaned. While I'd like to get them earlier I specifically am not because making life easy on her is not my job.

So just now I get a text from her "Kids will be ready by 1. They are driving me crazy so the sooner you can get them the better for all of us. They aren't helping me at all and its starting to chap my a$$".

I reply with what they will need and that I will be there around 2:30 or 3:00. Here's the reply I get, "Ok, so later... awesome. That's a lot of help. I'll have them ready" (understand that this is absolutely cynical and her tone is that she's very pissed).

What the heck does she think? It's her weekend. Welcome to single mom with three kids land. And yes, it is taking all of my willpower not to drop everything and run over there to save her. My excuse would be that I'm "doing it for the kids" so that they don't have to deal with stressed out/angry mom, but it would really be to save her. To fill my role as fixer/caretaker again. To get that "high" from having her say thank you to me.

And as I sit here and type this I'm getting a little pissed off actually... she knows full well that this type of reply triggers my guilt and angst. That in the past I would fold like a deck of cards and do whatever to avoid her anger. She's manipulating me. I don't know if it's conscious or unconscious, but now that I'm conscious of it... well, it ticks me off.