deployment to divorce 1

[31nheartbroken]

This is gonna be a really really long one!! Sorry, got some venting and thoughts!!

Ok, so he was over yesterday. Gathered some things, printed some papers for his school (needed my help), filled out some papers, argued with me (sorry I bought in but kept my cool for the most part, tried not to raise my voice) about my job sitch, told me AGAIN what he was offering for the D (I just said "I hear you", but didn't acknowledge D talk), was mad cause I said I wanted the car back and the truck wasn't as pristine as the car (first time, when he took off to FL, I had the car tank full, oil changed, and detailed. NOT THE TRUCK NOT THIS TIME, I OWE HIM NOTHING!!!).

He also complained about money. He recently told me to get a bank acct so he could transfer money, we have no agreement yet so no money transfer is gonna happen. Anyway, I got a bank acct on my own and have been putting little bits of money in. Made a cake for someone yesterday and got a $40 check, so I deposited in my acct. The following discussion concerning the money shows me I am in a no win sitch with him right now.

H: how much did you get
M: 40
H: what are you gonna do with it
M: i don't know, why
H: no reason

he goes out to do something and comes back in

H: cause i need gas
M: i said it was a check so i dep into my acct, but can get it if you need it
H: (very, pi$$y) no, that's fine, it's your money, i'll just figure something out
M: i said its not MY money
H: yes it is YOU earned it (still mad)
M: i said it's not MINE because we are still living out of one acct
H: i'll just figure something out
M: if you need it i can go get it
H: no
M: how much is in your acct
H: couple hundred
M: then you should have enough to get you through the next couple of days, nothing else should come out
H: if you don't go spend anymore
M: i don't need anymore til you get paid again

makes me so mad cause he is hassling me about money when he blew who knows how much on OW in FL. Almost 1100 taken in cash, randomly, throughout the month he was there!! Not to mention all the other food and whatnot!! UGH!!! And he had the audacity to threaten me, on the phone at least, on Fri telling me he was gonna take my name off the acct and transfer money to me. I said no, we don't have an agreement and if you do that I will get a lawyer. He said well you can't keep waisting money, I said on what, he says I don't know...walmart $30 here $30 there, I said are you serious..... it was for ranch and different stuff for your kids!! He hushed!!

He asked for his bills, why I don't know, I still pay them right now. I got quiet and thought, then said Kays (he spent almost $900 on that card in FL) and a few others, so I went and got them. Handed them to him (i have never asked about the kays) he was walking around doing some stuff and felt the need to say "if your wondering what that charge is...." I cut in and said what charge, he said "the kays it was a necklace for my mom" (i thought to myself are you kidding me 900 for your mom, he never gets anything that expensive for his mom EVER!!), I said, "oh, i don't give a crap, it's your card" (now i know that i should have said something different, but i was irritated cause he was flat out lying). He didn't know what to say when I said that and looked at me funny!

**Should I have said something like "oh, ok. Well, thank you for letting me know"

I have been very grey with him for about a month. He is the only one who initiates communication right now. He has finally started calling me and not just texting.

**Do I try to initiate any kind of communication or do I just continue to leave it where it is. (It's getting the effect I wanted so, I guess that means "if is working keep doing it?")

As the days have passed since I got 100% confirmation on OW and the overlap of the R's, I have been through a stream of emotions: EXTREMELY angry, mildly angry and disgusted, VERY betrayed and a little less angry, feel like i hate him, slightly hate him slightly angry, to now... pretty much indifferent. I mean I totally suspected it to begin with, so the only thing left was to find out it was going on longer than I thought and that he TOTALLY betrayed me. I don't think that there is anything any worse that I could find out at this point. Unless he's been doing this stuff to me all along!!!

So, now, I know I have said I am completely done, but I think I need to reevaluate my meaning of done.

I was give an extension on the D itself by learning he has to file in NC and I am pretty sure given the circumstance of H and OW R, he will cut it off or back off when he knows I know. He is gonna be scared to death that he will get turned in to the Navy. Again, this is good because I have so much proof that I could realistically turn him in. So, he backs off from her, grieves that loss, then has a few months to come visit the kids and see me without the interference of this OW. Maybe, his feelings for me start to show back up??

I would not jump for joy if they did and, right now at least, I don't think I would be interested (I still feel in my heart that it is meant to be someday). Maybe this is the way it is supposed to be. If his feelings for me did start to show back up and I was genuinely disinterested, maybe he would try harder and be willing to do all of the things neccesary to build a NEW relationship with me. (lots of time, friendly family time, dating, still living apart, counseling, etc.)

So, my reevaluation of my words DONE: this means I have COMPLETELY let go, COMPLETELY given it to god, and COMPLETELY given up the hoping. I have FINALLY realized that it will be what it will be and I will no longer do things for myself and the kids with the slight expectation that he will notice. H will no longer be in my thoughts when it concerns things the kids and I do!! He will, however, always be in my thoughts and I still realize 15 years is a lot of history!

So, now I just go to a lawyer next week and see what I need to do to get a separation agreement prepared, H still thinks he's gonna file in FL and has given me until the second week in March to put things on paper, LOL!!! Won't he be shocked when he sees we're doing it in NC. He thinks NC doen't have jurisdiction over his retirement beacause he thiks he's a FL resident. Hahaha, FL says no he's not and NC says he's a resident there so, guess what........... they do have jurisdiction over his retirement!!! He'll be very surprised. Plus at the point we sit done to prepare the sep agreement the sh1t will hit the fan when OW is exposed (I'm just gonna look at him and smile). He is gonna be white as a sheet!!!! I can't wait to see the look on his face. It will completely gratify the rollercoaster of emotions. Oh, I also can't wait til he finds out I have three years to sue her if I want!!! I'll be flexting my strong girl muscles thinking, uh huh, you thought you put one over on me. He should know by now, I alwys find out!!!

**Part of me wonders if his subconscious made him leave the FB logged in. Like he needs to be found out in order to face the reality of the sitch and be forced to stop!! (it was thrown in my face, I didn't snoop and haven't in a long time. I had absolutely no choice in this one!)