I have been with my husband for 15 years, married for 12 1/2. We have 3 kiddos S(13), S(10)and D(8). We have always had a great connection and seemed to fit together like puzzle pieces (others observations). We both work for my Dad in a small family HVAC business and my Dad is not an easy person to work for or with. My husband often times finds himself being yelled at by my Dad. In Oct. my Dad went of on one of his tantrums and my husband finally yelled back and cussed him out, because he couldn't take it anymore. That day changed him. There were little changes in him, but we were ok, I know that I was unhappy not that long ago. I was overwhelmed with the kids, the house and just wasn't a happy person. I honestly wanted to run away at times. In Dec. I noticed big changes in my hubby, he was going out with friends, didn't spend time with us etc. I questioned him, he told me he felt unappreciated by me, felt like a gravy train to myself and my Dad, needed a break, wanted to hang out with friends, etc. I heard everything he had to say and started to make changes. I now know the changes I made were not the correct ones. Instead of giving him space I started to be over affectionate (we were never all that affectionate to begin with), I followed him around, wanted to be in the same room with him, didn't give him a moment to breath. So no surprise he started to become distant and things got worse. One night he just slept on the couch. My kids told me that they felt ignored by their Dad and I encouraged them to talk to him about it, they did. The next morning (Jan. 17) he told my Dad that we were separating, before he told me. That night when he came home I asked him what was up, and that is when he told me that he wanted to leave, he hadn't been happy for years, I didn't keep the house clean enough, etc. He then told my kids the reason he was leaving was because he didn't love me anymore. I shoved him, I yelled, I called him names (all of which I apologized for that night). I wanted to crumble up and die, but I didn't. I decided that if he was going to force my hand at single motherhood, I better get my stuff together. I decided that I needed to go back to school (nursing) and started the ball rolling that following weekend. Well for the next two weeks, he was set on moving out, he told me that he would have the kids 50% of the time, we would still watch hockey and football games together, have family dinners, etc. Well he were are almost one month later. He is still at home and sleeping on the couch, we are friends, we are able to sit and watch tv together, and he says he is willing to work on us. I see small changes in him and have told him that I notice the changes and the fact that he is working on us. He spends weekends at home, comes home from work and we carry on conversations, watch funny videos he finds online. We are still intimate together, but of course I need more. I am trying to GAL of my own. I start CNA school on the 27th, he will be at home with kids Mon-Thurs nights on his own for 5 weeks, I don't talk about the relationship. I did make the mistake of asking him how he felt about me, and he said he doesn't know that his feelings flip flop. I now know not to ask those questions anymore. I am taking it day by day, exercising, using this time to focus on myself and my kids. I have had a good week, up until yesterday. The last two days have been hard. He is going to a NBA game tonight with some friends. It hurts, but we have never really made a big deal out of V-day so I try to keep that in mind. I am taking my kids swimming and just trying to make the night fun for them. I am just feeling really lonely right now. I think I could take steps forward with him as far as affection and touch goes, but I don't want to make the same mistake and push him away, so I let me make the moves. Any advice, suggestions, encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
Need some help on where we are! So my husband is still at home and things have been going ok. He did tell me the other day that he stressed out from everything, which is something he had never said (of course I knew he was). We able to sit with each other on the couch, last night we even sat next to each other and shared a blanket. So here's my question, are we piecing? He has never been out of the house, and we have agreed to work on things. I see us moving forward and taking the necessary steps. I lost as to where we are though.
He is still sleeping on the couch, which I understand he needs his space and time. I tell him goodnight and just go up to our room and I do not pester him about coming back to bed.
I started school on the 27th and can't wait. I am nervous about how he will feel with me not home, but I also know I have to do this for myself and for my marriage to stand a chance. Plus, I will then have a lot to talk to him about, which in long run may bring us closer.
This is so hard!!! I can understand why people get divorced, walking out would be a whole lot easier, but we fight for the things and people we love. I was hopeless on Tuesday, felt hopeful last night and have carried that hopeful feeling to today. Day by day, step by step and little by little.
As Michelle said, "love isn't just a feeling, it is a decision." I wish I could say that to my husband.
Hi JLO, I have to tell you that you did some things just right! Good for you for getting training outside of your family's business and for focusing on yourself and your kids...that will always serve you well. It sounds like he is confused and this is a great time to talk to a DB coach. This is what they are experts at and you will see the future differently and be hopeful and most importantly you will have an expert in your corner guiding you in a way that will most likely bring him closer, not pushing him further away. take care! Karen
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
KarenR I wish I had the money to do just that. I know he is so confused and it wasn't so long ago that I myself felt that same way. So I am being patient, loving and focusing on me.
I started to blog about my transformation, which is helping me deal with the feelings I have, I am going to a yoga class tonight, which is completely outside of my comfort level. I am counting down the days until I start my school, 9 days!
Last night was a draining night, my husband was just not in a good mood at all. I kept my attitude positive and went into my room to blog and exercise. It is really hard. I know that he is trying and that he too will have his bad days.
I did have a light bulb moment yesterday. One of his complaints was not being able to go out and do things with friends, so now when he does I make sure to busy myself with the kids. Then it occurred to, he got out of prison and put me in. I let him do this of course, because in the month since he has dropped the bomb, I haven't gone out, I haven't been alone without the kids to process my feelings or just step away from the situation. I feel guilty because he will be alone with the kids for the time I am in evening classes. That is exactly what has gotten me to this point in my life. I have always put myself last, because I don't want anyone else to be burdened. Well someone said to me that I need to give him the responsibility, because he would have if we were separated or divorced, so he needs to see that this would be his life without me. Now it does scare me that he will like life without me while I am at school and leave when I am done, but it was also pointed out to me that I need to focus on why he is still at home and didn't leave, because it is a lot easier to walk out, then fix it. I try to remember that.
I give him his space, try and stay positive and loving and remember that if I don't have hope, nothing will work out. It has only been a month and there have been a lot of baby steps to be thankful for.
I am just really exhausted of the feelings, I just hope the new feelings start to replace the pain before too long.
Post often so you can get off moderation quicker. Check out other members threads, you never know what bit of information may help you.
The following list is credited to Sandi2- another wise elder on these boards, who successfully reconciled her M with DB efforts. Most of us have copied this list and refer to it OFTEN... especially when we are at our lowest. Most of them seem counter-intuitive, but that's the point. Our instincts are acting on emotions, this list keeps you in control of your emotions and acting rationally. Find a seat and make sure your safety bar is tight a secure, this roller coaster gets pretty rough and is going to last a while
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Give him his space and start doing for yourself. In the long run, this will pay off. Have patience. Don't feel guilty about furthering your education. Make the changes for yourself and not him. Don't mention your changes to him. Just show him.
My H walked out on my me 7 months ago. About a month ago we started to see each other and now we are piecing. At first he was not affectionate towards me at all. Yes, it bothered me, but I told myself everyday be patient. It has paid off. We are basically living together again and he is affectionate towards me. We are getting along better than we have ever.
Let him know what it will be like if he walks out on you. Don't feel guilty about leaving him with the kids while you go to school. I am school 3 nights a week and my husband takes care of our daughter. I don't think he likes it very much, but he knows it will benefit all of us.
Thank you for all the advice! Updated status: I started school and enjoy it very much. My husband has been home with the kids and even gets home a little early. I have made sure that they have dinners at night so that he has to do as little work as possible. I have been so frustrated by the fact that when I come home the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done, etc. Everything that he complained about, and that he was going to do differently on his own is not being done, so hopefully he is realizing it isn't as easy as it seems. He was acting very cold towards me and I called him out on it. I wasn't mean, I just asked why, and he said he didn't know what I was talking about, and he has been different since then. He is still sleeping on the couch and I often ask myself how long I am willing to live like roommates. He gets to go where ever he wants on the weekends, he gets to hang out with friends, while I am at home taking care of the kids. I don't know how much longer I am willing to do this. I love him and I want this to work, but I am changing and he isn't. I am trying to be patient and remember that my kids deserve to have their parents together and happy, but I am not happy right now. Do I keep giving my everything with nothing in return? Do I keep fighting when I am the only one in the ring with gloves on? This is the hardest thing that I have ever done, it so lonely and so exhausting. I have been reading about mid life crisis and even learned about the different stages in life in school. I am positive this is what my husband is experiencing. Everything he said and has done to me is a classic, "bored of life", going out with the guys all the time, not spending time with kids, not doing things as a family, wanting to buy a new car. The only thing he isn't doing is hanging out at the gym. There was one event in October and from that moment on he wasn't the same. I just hope that things move forward, because with my new life I am finding for myself, I might just realize that I am worth more than I think.
