WAW is having affair, anyone with some advice?

[purgatory]

Make sure you get a copy of DB or DR- mine has highlights and notations all though out it... and each time I read it, I find a new perspective based on things that have developed in my sitch.

When you feel like you're going to loose it, or that you want to say something to her, come here first. Tell us. Vent it out and usually that takes care of your need to say anything... but if not, than at least you will get some sound, rational advice before taking any action that may hurt more than help. Our general rule is to wait 24 hours before saying/doing anything to your WAS- this way you have a chance to get out of the emotional brain and *act* rationally, instead of *re-acting* emotionally.

Head over to the "Affairs" forum and read some of their stories, you might find some helpful advice. I wouldn't post on that forum, there are more people watching and posting in this forum so you'll get more advice here. Post often so we can follow and help you out when the confusion arrises.

The following is an overview of the process, think about what it says and how it applies to you and your sitch.

Step Number 1: Start with a Beginner’s Mind
Although age and experience can bring wisdom in some areas of our lives, it can also bring narrow-mindedness and shortsightedness – we no longer question our assumptions and beliefs. We get set in our ways. For any recovery, it is essential that, before you do anything else, you empty your minds of what you think you know about doing marriage right. You don’t, so start fresh.

Step Number 2: Know What You Want
Specific goals contain seeds for solution. Writing out your goals makes them more real and offers a baseline to which you can refer to in the days to come. Begin by listing 2 or 3 things you’d like to change or improve about your marriage. Make sure that you list what you want in your marriage, not what’s missing. Think action – describe specific actions people will take to improve things. Think small – each goal should be able to be accomplished within a week or two.

Step Number 3: Ask for What You Want
Share your thoughts with your spouse. If you think you’ve done this already, realize that when most people feel like they’re requesting change, they’re usually complaining, which is often met with resistance. Consider the timing – make sure they’re approachable – and ask in a constructive way.
*Note – there might be so much tension between you that your spouse isn’t about to do anything you ask. If this is the case, don’t ask anything right now – fast forward to Step Number 4.

Step Number 4: Stop Going Down Cheeseless Tunnels
When we’re unhappy in our marriages, we try something to fix it. If it works, great. If not, instead of trying something different, we simply keep doing more of the same, and become more emphatic about it. This will not only fail to eliminate the problems in your life, but you will actually make it worse - the very thing you do to solve a problem is what’s actually prompting your partner to persist and escalate the annoying behavior. Many people see improvements in their marriage simply by committing to stop doing what hasn’t been working.

Step Number 5: Experiment and Monitor Results
Improving your marriage is a trial and error process – you experiment and watch the results. In order to become better at noticing how your approach to things creates change in your partner, keep a Solution Journal – write down the challenging situation, how you handled it (solution- oriented approach), your partner’s immediate reaction and their reaction several days later. Remember to stop going down Cheeseless Tunnels and continue only what works.

Step Number 6: Take Stock
On a scale of 1 to 10, state where your marriage was prior to starting the program, then do the same for where you are right now. Determine whether you are satisfied with your progression, or if you are not. If not, list one or two things you could do or that could happen that would bring your marriage up a half step on the scale (ie. 4.5 to 5). Remember that no marriage is ever perfect, and change can sometimes take longer than you’d like.

Step Number 7: Keeping the Positive Changes Going
If you want to stay in love with your spouse, you have to continue doing loving things every day – you never get to the point where you can stop being thoughtful about how you treat your spouse. Realize that everyone gets off track from time to time – conflict is inevitable. But what separates the winners from the losers in this game of life isn’t the amount of failure people experience. It’s the way in which winners handle the failure – pick yourself up, dust off and get back on track.

taken from:
Episode “Divorce Remedy: Marital Satisfaction Guaranteed” Adapted from Michele’s book - The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage
By Dr. Dave Currie and Christie Rayburn