WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole...

[workinghardguy]

Well the weekend has been pretty hard to be honest. On Friday I finally had another IC appointment. It was good... we discussed a lot. I'm struggling right now because so much of who I am is tied up in being a father and a husband. And I know, "I'm always a father" but when your kids are somewhere else that's like saying a baseball player is a baseball player in the off-season. Sure he is, but he's not playing.

I miss my kids so much it's terrible. Friday night I called my W's house to talk to them. It's frustrating because I want to give my W space, but then she doesn't let me. I called the "house phone" which she specifically set up so I could call the kids without bothering her. Who answers? My W. All the kids were right there. She could've had them answer it, she's done it in the past. But no she answers.. I wasn't actually prepared for a convo with her. She asked if I wanted to talk to the kids (um.. yes, hence I'm calling their phone) and that she had to go do something but it would only take a few minutes and then we could talk when I'm done with kids.

So I talk to the kids. Get done and she's not back. SS asks me if he should go find her and I say no, tell him I love him and will see him in the morning and then hang up. Then I got guilty (this is where I still suck at this)... so I text my W saying I had to go but was it something important about the kids that she wanted to discuss. She texts back no, and so I don't respond or call back.

Yesterday I picked up SS for our volunteer thing. Saw W briefly as I went in to help SS put on his uniform for the first time. Gave me a chance to give SD and S some hugs and kisses briefly. S gave me so many while telling me, "Wait Daddy I have to give you extra because I miss giving you them so much!" Have I mentioned how much I hate this sitch?

Took SS to our volunteer gig and dropped him off back home. Didn't go in or see W, just dropped him off and left. He had a great time and got to go on a two-hour airplane flight so he was pretty happy

Spent the rest of yesterday trying to put my house back together. Buying furniture and supplies, etc... Last night I really wanted to call and talk to the kids, but I'm not sure it's good to do every night, so I didn't, especially considering how it went Friday night. I can't give my W space if I'm calling her every day. But I'll be honest that I feel terribly guilty about not calling. Guess we'll see the reaction from the kids.

This morning is church, and this afternoon I pick all the kids up to spend the afternoon and dinner with them, and then have S overnight with me. I'm going out of town for a week so I asked to have some time with them today.

The "Act as if" advice is the part I'm struggling with. I'm not happy, in fact I'm still devastated. I haven't been this depressed in a very long time, if ever. Even when my dad passed it was more of a final relief to a long degenerative illness so while sad there was relief too.

..but you know it is going to get better as you make a life for yourself independent of your WAS. And as you are doing this, the dynamic of your R will change and maybe, just maybe......

That's the struggle right now. I really don't want this life. It's like the consolation prize. Academically I know it's my only real option. I can lead and build a worthy life without her since I don't get to decide whether she's part of it or not. But I don't want to emotionally. I don't know when that feeling changes or turns, I just hope it's soon. I'll tell you, I'm so tired of feeling like this.

CT - We have a fairly defined and agreed upon schedule. I'm not sure I want to just violate that agreement without good reason. I know things will never be perfect. This week W is taking S an extra night because I'm out of town. I don't have to do the kids while she's working thing, but then I give up almost any real time with SS and SD. So it's a trade off.

So for now I have to keep "act as if" in the front of my mind. Except for kid-stuff I haven't contacted or talked with W since Thursday. And I don't feel that I've used the limited kid-stuff as a reason to make contact that wasn't necessary.

One item I'd really like some thoughts on....
My brother is having a hard go of it. He got divorced last year. He's been living with his ex-BIL (from his first marriage). His ex-BIL has been separated from his W as well, but now the W is planning to move back in. This leaves my brother without a place to live. He's thinking about moving this way (across the state) towards my mom and his daughter (who lives with our mom and goes to college).

He'd like to room with me in my house. Now... I know that many will say, what's the question? Understand my brother and I are close but not "brotherly close". He was the first foster child my parents took in and eventually adopted. So we don't have the "traditional brotherly" R.

With that said, my first instincts were to welcome him in. Lord knows I have the room and could use some help with the house payment. It would also be a good chance to reconnect with him and get closer. Plus it would be nice to have someone else living here besides just S and I. And he's a good guy, just down on his luck right now.

My first instinct is to say yes to him living here. But I worry what message that sends to my W about coming back. Then I think about why the heck do I care what she thinks? I guess just don't trust my internal voice right now... any input or thoughts are appreciated.