Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing

[Jenna333]

Thanks Rick. I appreciate you continuing to check in on me

We both just worry so much that we won't be able to be our new and improved selves together. I got onto him this morning for not ever taking initiative in the mornings. I always have to be the one to get us all up and going. It seems such a small thing to get peeved about now, but I guess it's my resentment toward him showing. I've changed so much, and I keep looking for certain changes in him that aren't there. I feel like he feels I wasn't good enough to fight for then, but now I am? The quote, "If you don't want to be there for my struggle, don't expect to be there for my success" keeps pooping into my head. It's so hard (so hard!) trying to piece our new lives together.

I posted this in Pur's thread earlier, but I feel the need to say it here, too. When J left me, all I could think about was getting him back. Even when I started seeing that life without him wouldn't be the nightmare that I'd previously envisioned, I still found myself often hoping he'd give us another shot so that I could show him how different things could be. Well, now that we are together, I find myself feeling like I'm almost too good for him. That's terrible, isn't it? I spent so much time convincing myself that I deserved better after he left me that now I almost feel like I'm settling for him, simply because I told myself what I HAD TO in order to start moving on, and now...trying to mend things with him and now convince myself that I'm not settling, I'm just scared he'll leave again and I'm protecting myself...it's so much to deal with.

We had friends over the other night after my finals (that went very well!). My BFF and her new boyfriend came over to have wine with us and watch a movie. I had to hear from J the next day that he felt I was ignoring him and paying too much attention to my BFF. I just feel disheartened. I'm glad he communicated with me, but I know I wasn't ignoring him. I thought maybe he'd changed enough to not take these little things personally. Now he sees that he shouldn't have, but I'm worried I won't ever be able to let loose and have fun with him because he takes everything I do and don't do that he doesn't approve of the wrong way.

He's worried I don't really want us anymore and it's coloring his actions, as it is mine. I just hope we'll be able to make it through this.