Here I am again..having a hard time sticking to the DB principles. My emotions have been getting the best of me.
H came home last night while I was making dinner. Of course, my face has to let him know that I was thinking about something. He said: "What? I'm here. I'm home and I love you." And how do I respond? (get your 2x4's out)..."no, you don't (though in a joking way). Sigh. That was the first time he said it in about 3 months and he hasn't said it again since.
Had another one of those "talks" with H. I've been obsessing with the OW way more than I should. I guess I'm having a hard time seeing how unwilling H is to give up their "friendship".
Another thing that has been bothering me is the fact that H is still in denial. He still thinks that he didn't cheat. He doesn't think that having an EA and kissing OW is cheating! I told him over and over that it is and he has to accept that.
Last night was the first time that he actually said that it was a mistake.
I am not after punishing H. I don't want justice of any kind. All I want is for him to accept that what he did was wrong, to apologize to me, to break off unnecessary contact, and to promise me that it won't happen again...that he's learned from this mistake.
OW and H sit next to each other at work. They have to work closely together. I know he can't just quit his job and I have to accept that they have to have some degree of contact, but I just wish that he would limit it to just that.
H told me that I can't tell him who to be friends with. I told him I agreed, but what I can tell him is how I feel about it and it is up to him to respect my feelings or not. And right now he is choosing her "friendship" over my feelings. That stings.
I told him about the image I have burned into my memory of OW. A month before the bomb I had stopped at his office and I saw OW for the first time. She didn't say hi, H didn't introduce us. She just walked by and looked at me with a big ugly smile and kept walking. That was while things were still good before us, but now I know why she walked by...had to check out what was going on. I just can't seem to get that image of her out of my memory.
H said that he doesn't want to talk about it. He thinks that by not talking about it will make things go away and get better. I told him I disagreed and that we need to talk it out. If we ignore this now, things will not go away completely and will come back to haunt us (mainly me) down the road.
I asked H again why he wasn't wearing his wedding ring. He said he doesn't want to and that it's tainted. So I guess he'll never wear it again??
I don't know where my feelings are at this point. I feel better about letting him know that I hurt. I don't feel good about H not admitting that he cheated. I really wish he would agree to do MC.
My GAL activity today was to attend a first time home buyers class. It took all day and was quite tiring. H and S4 got to spend a whole day together (it's been a long time!!!). Now H has gone out and I'm curled up on the couch with a glass of wine.
