Thanks NH. Yes, luckily I don't get sick that often, and this one wasn't too bad.
More Journalling-
It dawned on me too that perhaps some of the softening I've seen lately in her demeanor is the realization that if we do divorce, she will only be able to see our d half the time.
Now, I honestly feel that I would live with my wife forever, for my daughter's sake. Even if my wife said she never wanted to have sex with me again, and yes, she's basically said that. I would live under the same roof, and be roommates with her, and co-parent our d.
I know it sounds like a death sentence--a marriage with no physical love. But through this experience, I realize that to a large degree, the way I "make love" to my wife wasn't right. Too many times, for her it was just walking the dog. It was a way for me to get my rocks off and she was left with nothing. I think she coined the term "mercy sex"; but knowing what I know now, I can say that I will not approach sex that way in the future (with my wife, or with some other woman.). That type of sex was unsustainable. Sex has to be a win, win.
We used to have a really good sex life. But after our daughter was born (my wife had a c-section, which put her on the dl for about a year), both the quantity and quality went down. And I'm somewhat ashamed to say last year, I had a little difficulty in staying power. Partly, because it seemed like my w didn't want to really be participating.
So in the future, I will focus on romance, and let love come as a natural bi-product. And when sex does happen, everybody will get there's.
"Things are never bad; it's the way you think about them." -Epictetus
