Too Little Too Late.... part 7

[Jenna333]

I agree with Rick. Would you truly be able to forgive him for cheating on you for years? I know as a LBS you feel you'd be able to forgive for anything, but let me tell you, J and I are piecing and I don't feel so desperate and vulnerable anymore...and the forgiveness isn't coming as easily. I know I thought that if I could just get him back, I wouldn't even think about the past anymore and we could just move forward. It's not that easy. Please remember your worth. Nobody is a perfect spouse, but if he cheated on you like that...don't you think you're worthy of more?

(((Pur))) I would also get more information from the neighbor and stew on it.

[NLW]

Purg,
I know how this must be eating at you. Believe me, I really do.

I've been through something very similar.

But the way I look at it, I made a decision to stand for my M and for my family.
And to look to the future. To start again on a new relationship with my H if he's ever willing.

Throwing all the OW stuff back up to him was a mistake that I made all too often.

Now, I just have to accept that it happened (or maybe still is) but that this doesn't alter the fact that I want to make a better marriage with my H, as 25 says FROM THIS DAY FORWARD.

Maybe that makes me a doormat, or a reality avoider.

But my H has said often enough to me that he can't get over the fact that he is an adulterer and that this is one of his main problems in coming back to me.

My dwelling on this issue was probably the straw that broke the camel's back.

It didn't matter that I eventually said to him that I forgave him. By that stage, I'd brought it up so often that he couldn't seem to forgive himself.

My advice, FWIW, is to be the better women - the one who's focused on the good stuff (working on being the best you can be, loving unconditionally, being accepting of flaws and mistakes) and he'll be a fool not to come back to you.

Be the accusing, betrayed, guilt-inducing spouse and he'll probably run further away.

We're all here for you on this.
NLW

[RoRoinMD]

My advice, FWIW, is to be the better women - the one who's focused on the good stuff (working on being the best you can be, loving unconditionally, being accepting of flaws and mistakes) and he'll be a fool not to come back to you.

Be the accusing, betrayed, guilt-inducing spouse and he'll probably run further away.

Purg, NLW say it perfectly.

Keep doing what you're doing! ((()))

[nhmom]

(((Purg)))

Hearing that kind of stuff hurts like h3ll! At this point, you don't know if and how much of it is true. Right now it is just hear say...pure neighbor gossip.

If I was in your shoes, I'd probably go talk to the neighbor who is spreading the rumors and find out more info.

If the info that you get adds up and you think there is some truth to it, then you can decide what to do with it.

I would not confront your H right now. Wait to find out whether the info is credible. And if you choose to confront your H, then you should definitely think through what you want to get out of it and how you are going to approach the "confrontation".

I agree with BklynMom that it doesn't sound like your H would have had anything with xBFF, otherwise they'd likely be "together" now.

If this info happens to be true (which I don't think it is), then how does it affect your feelings for your H? Would you still want him back? Would you be willing to forgive him?

As much as it hurts to hear this stuff, it really is just gossip. It could have been you and your H and the neighbor just didn't recognize you. Or, it could have been friends that you had come over and the neighbor thought it was your H.

If your H would not have dropped the bomb and you heard this info, how would you be reacting? Would you think the neighbor was crazy or blind? We tend to think of the worst and believe when we think it sounds like it could be true.

[31nheartbroken]

Definately gather info from you're neighbor and if it's bad news, hold on to it. I believe that there will be a right time and place to confront. As I have seen so far, everything will come to light at some point!! It will be revealed to you when you are able to handle it. If I had learned my news before now, I probably would've been a complete basket case and who knows what I would have done!!

I also belive in taking time to process everything you learn instead of reacting with pure emotion. As much as I wanted and still want to punish H, I don't know if I want to take a chance on ruining his career and maybe his life. It's too long term!! By waiting til I wasn't quite so angry, I realized this and will be better able to make a rational decision.

We, unlike the WAS, have the ability to take the time and make rational decisions!!