OK, tell me if I'm dreaming here, but I think I'm making some headway.
My wife called me Friday afternoon to tell me that she could possibly be stranded overnight while she was on travel. She sounded really good, upbeat and optimistic. At that point, my voice was still a little raspy because of my cold. She said, "Ohh you still have your cold?"
"Yeah," I said, "It's getting better though, I'm still a little scratchy."
She then went on to explain the situation and was really sorry that she might not be able to make it back Friday night, because she knew I had plans on Saturday.
I'm not delusional here, that's a solid sign that she showed concern for my health, right?
Anyway, It didn't really register with me until after the conversation ended anyway (you know, guys are a little slow on the verbal communication spectrum...at least this one is anyway), so I kept a level head by proxy.
I went on to say that it was fine, not to worry about it, and that it wasn't her fault after all. It was a short sweet conversation, I could feel an energy in her voice, a palpable love signal almost. I think she's really grateful that I was there to look after our d? Of course, what else would I do--but perhaps I rang up big points by being sick, and doing daddy-daycare for three days straight.
She said they (I was tempted to ask who was traveling with her on that one, but held my tongue--OM from the EA may have been traveling with her)were going to try to make it back by switching flights, and running to the next plane between connections. She sent me text messages throughout the return trip, finally letting me know when she made it to our home airport, which was around 11:20PM.
I had had a rough week at the office, and didn't fall asleep until around 12:30, with thoughts ruminating in my head. Then my d woke up at 1:30 crying about how uncomfortable her jammies were, so after helping her do a wardrobe change, and put her back to bed, I tried in earnest to go back to sleep but couldn't do it. I don't like to take drugs, but at 4:30 am I resorted to taking half a CVS brand benadryl...those things will put me out. I managed to sleep another 2 hours and my daughter was back up at 7.
I drove her over to w's place around 830. My w was already standing in the storm door when my d and I got out of the car. She smiled at me. I noticed her toe-nails were a new color, I hadn't seen before. But I didn't think to compliment her on them, until I was back in the car. Ohh well, there's always next time...It was still a positive interaction, which is most important.
I asked her how her flights were. She said they were very bumpy, but they were OK. I gave her a short report about my d, and gave my d a big hug and then left. I was there for maybe 5 minutes and only stood in the mudroom not taking off my boots.
I keep wanting her to say more, to do more--but I keep reminding myself to be patient, and more importantly, I have to be strong and work on myself, in case she's really all done with me.
But I have to say, I really have a positive feeling about how things are going. We're a long way from getting back to good, but I really feel like her heart is open again. I hope I'm not just being a fool--but I'm pretty sure I know my wife well enough to know that she's not involved with the OM anymore--that involvement was just a reaction to my actions when I wasn't db'ing at all and being a lunatic. (if interested, see my earlier posts.)
I guess this is sort of like when you first learn to drive a car--the first six months, you're super careful. But after that you feel more confident, and you want to go and do donuts in somebody's front yard. Well maybe not donuts, but you feel like driving a little faster, etc. etc. I'm saying I feel like being more bold, but I know I need to just be patient, wait and watch.
I know at this point, this is a wall of text--but I have to get it all out. Getting a life isn't as gung-ho as it used to be. Today I did a little work on the house (want to get it ready to sell, regardless what happens in our marriage.), and I stopped by work for about an hour and took care of some odds and ends.
I have such a Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde approach to my job. One day I totally hate it, and the next it's OK. Part of me says, If I worked harder, and smarter I'd do better and make more money. But then part of me says, who cares...there's nothing rewarding in what I do. Even if I made 300k a year, it would still not be what I want. But, at least I have a job. You ever notice how we name work after probably the most unlucky character in the Bible? Just thought I'd point that out. Have a good weekend.
"Things are never bad; it's the way you think about them." -Epictetus
