Purg, I know how this must be eating at you. Believe me, I really do.
I've been through something very similar.
But the way I look at it, I made a decision to stand for my M and for my family. And to look to the future. To start again on a new relationship with my H if he's ever willing.
Throwing all the OW stuff back up to him was a mistake that I made all too often.
Now, I just have to accept that it happened (or maybe still is) but that this doesn't alter the fact that I want to make a better marriage with my H, as 25 says FROM THIS DAY FORWARD.
Maybe that makes me a doormat, or a reality avoider.
But my H has said often enough to me that he can't get over the fact that he is an adulterer and that this is one of his main problems in coming back to me.
My dwelling on this issue was probably the straw that broke the camel's back.
It didn't matter that I eventually said to him that I forgave him. By that stage, I'd brought it up so often that he couldn't seem to forgive himself.
My advice, FWIW, is to be the better women - the one who's focused on the good stuff (working on being the best you can be, loving unconditionally, being accepting of flaws and mistakes) and he'll be a fool not to come back to you.
Be the accusing, betrayed, guilt-inducing spouse and he'll probably run further away.
