He should lose weight because he had a heart attack several years ago and the doctor said he should. He says he wants to because he's uncomfortable. He isn't losing the weight because he likes to eat cr@p and lots of it, and then sit on his butt and watch tv. He's had the sleep issues for as long as I've known him, even when we were first married and he was blissfully happy. It's not something I would attribute to depression. Though I don't hang out with him for anything more than I have to, I do spend time with him because of son's activities, and I see him interact with other people then. Plus, we have mutual friends that I have intimate relationships with, and they would be perfectly comfortable asking me, "why has your H been so irritable lately?" Also, I live with him and S. If suicidal thoughts are something he wouldn't necessarily share with me, how would I possibly know? Hand him a gun and see what he does with it? If depression is a family trait, what am I supposed to do about it?
Even if I find out that he has depression, then what??? I encourage him to wear his cpap. I shop and cook healthy food. He isn't receptive to other things, I can't see him going and getting a prescription because I determine he's depressed. Should that create an empathy in me that justifies my unsatisfying sex life? Why would I even put in the effort to find out if he's depressed?
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Can he change these behaviors? Sure he can. But like sex, where it may actually require you SHOWING him... telling him... taking his hands and moving them to where you want them or helping him understand what positions best sexually fulfil you... it will take the same in your emotional relationship with him.
You act as if I haven't already considered this and done this, for YEARS! When he doesn't internalize it for more than 24 hours, what's the point? This man has heard my comments about why I don't want to go out with him, and he has asked me, genuinely, to remind him of what those things are before we go out. Is it really that difficult to remember that I don't want him to help himself to food off of my plate? He doesn't do it to any of the other people we go out with. If you're telling me this is what is required of me to have a "happy, healthy" marriage, then I am not interested. I get better treatment from strangers.
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Every time I bring up something that would require you to connect and engage or empathize with your H, you show resistance. You aren't ready, yet.
What you call resistance, I call sharing my experience. I've been there, done that, and only a fool does the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Maybe it's not that I'm not ready, maybe it's just that I've already been there and it didn't work. You actually aren't instructing me to do anything, so there's nothing I'm resisting. I've already agreed to one day a week that he can choose the activity and I'll participate with the best attitude that I can. I've already agreed to engage with him, so I don't know what else you're talking about.
I think we've talked about this before. I'm angry when I bring up the past, because it's like reliving it. Otherwise, I just accept things the way they are. If I'm not beating my head against the wall trying to fix a marriage that seems unfixable, then I'm fine. Not thrilled with things, but at peace. I don't see it as any different than what I did with my mother. I accept where she is. I have a relationship with her that is not what I want, but what is. If she chooses to disown half the family, to not have a relationship with my s, to be angry all the time, that is her choice, regardless of whether it's right or wrong for me. I'm not willing to abide by her terms at the loss of myself in order to have a closer relationship with her, just like I'm not willing to with my H.
It think perhaps the problem is that your approach is too much like what I've experienced before. I can't go there again. I need an SBT type approach. More specific, less drudging up of the past, just a current solution that addresses the current problem based upon the current reality. Then I can keep focused on myself and my happiness without all this backtracking.
