I will tell you, confronting didn't work for me. In fact, it was the beginning of the end.
Personally, it would drive me crazy as well though and I would want to know.
I think, answering honestly, if it were me, I would try and talk to the neighbor to get as much info as possible. Then I would prob hold on to the info and would only bring it up if we R. And then I would bring it up in a safe setting like mc.
I think that confronting them will depend on the situation, and what agenda you have planned for that.
If it is to induce a reaction in any way, or if you have hopes of waking him up, then I would disagree with it...
If you can handle waiting, and apply the 48 hour rule. And you can come from a place of understanding and forgiveness, then I would say to step lightly through the minefield you want to enter.
There will be a lot of anger back at you, and he will project a lot of his actions onto you. He will probably go through his laundry list of things, much like bomb day revisited. This will all be your fault once again.
It will leave you wondering how this got turned around onto you. You will have to act from a rational state of mind, and not RE-act emotionally.
If you can handle all of that, then I say go for it...
My question is...
Will this bring you closer, or further from your goals ????
This has to be your answer, not your friends, or neighbors...
Do you want to make it or break this weekend? If so, and this is a deal-breaker for you then go for it, but be prepared for what might come.
Think about this, you don't know for sure that this all happened. Not sure why your neighbor thought this was good information to share with you, especially since it was second hand. Allowing neighbors and friends into a difficult marital situation is almost never a good thing, (except us, of course ) You never know what their motives are.
If it is true...Do you think he'll tell the truth? Do you think he'll see the error of his ways and come home? What do you want out of this?
Or are you hurt (justified if it's true) and just want to hurt him back?
You're acting from emotion not your logical brain. Step back and think about this. Work through your emotions, sit with the anger for awhile and then see how you feel.
(((P)))
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I've sat with it and run it over in my head all night.... I don't want to 'break it' this weekend. I'm not expecting that he'll beg for forgiveness and come home right away. I will not say anything to him until I get infor directly from the neighbor who saw things (I just want some facts likes what kind of car she had what she looked, how long has it gone on.) I would never talk to him unless I had proof or facts to back it up.
If/ when here's what I've thought about telling him: "I want to let you know that I know about you and (whoever the chick is) kissing and her comin over to our house when I'm not home. I feel foolish for believing you when you said that you loved me and weren't giving up on our M, when in fact you had already moved on. I know that I couldnt step up to the plate and mert your needs when you told me that you were unhappy. I regret that i wasnt strong enough to make the changes necessary. I wish i could go back in time and take what i know now to be the person i should have been- and maybe we wouldnt be in this sitch. But I also want to tell you that there is nothing you've done that can't be forgiven. Discovering this now, years later, doesn't change how much I love you. I can move past this."
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
I may be repeating what has already been said but it doesnt hurt to hear it it twice.
Just dont confront him now, or even this weekend or next week. There is no way for you to be the new calm purg this soon after hearing this. It would be impossible even for Mother Theresa herself. Just sit on the info for a few days and really think about if it makes sense, give it some time and something about your neighbors account might flash as true or you could see a flash indicating that she had confused you and OW. Write a letter to him that you dont send or continue to post frequently to get it out. OR GO TO AN AL ANON MEETING. - saying this kind of stuff out loud in a room really helps you process it.
To me it the story doesnt jive as true, who would kiss the OW in public outside your house, doesnt sound like your H is that blatant a jerk. Also if your H and OW had been having an affair for 3 years I think they would really be together now. From what you have describe they have just had major flirtation with some possible phsycial. For me it just doesnt sound like good intell. If your H and OW were able to keep this a secret for 3 years they wouldnt be making out in broad daylight in front of your house while she was married to a psyhcopath.
Look I have my own supiscions. My H took my D apple picking with POW, POW has given my kids gifts recently. I am dying to know if he this is his girlfriend. One day the truth will come out. I cant force it out of him.
I said to my mother recently I feel like a fool for still praying for my M. I feel like I am a sucker. She said "You are not a fool for standing up for your family".
Purg, you are not a fool, your H is a fool for not trying to figure it out with you.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Purg - you have an enormous decision ahead of you. I think it has to start with whether you want to be married to this guy or not. Can you accept someone back into your life that cheated on you?
I hate to say it but we often rationalize our way out of what our gut tells is absoultely true. How often does one suspect their S to be cheating, all evidence points towards it, other people see it, and then it all happens to be some magical coincidenece of events that our WAS innocently stumbled into?
I don't want to be a downer here. I do hate to think that a great woman like you is getting duped. I do agree with everyone else here though, that you need to sit with this info alone, weigh it all, and whatever decision you make, make it calmly. If you confront, I gauranty he will turn it on you.
I'll give you a lovely firsthand example. My W left a trail of evidence that anyone with a brain would add up to an affair (and the guy is my cousin in another state). Someone hacked her email account and forwarded some FB messages he sent to her, to me and my S24 at work. My S24 alomost puked when he saw them, and he confronted his Mom. Before I got home that night I calmly polled some trusted friends both male and female and simply asked if these messages alone would mkae them feel like their S was in an affair. 100% opinion in favor of it being an affair, at least EA, and 100% said they would leave their S for just these messages alone, never mind the other factors.
When I finally confronted her I was pretty calm. We spoke for hours, she never denied it or confirmed it, which to me means it happened. Someone very close to me said watch out, she needs some time with this and will most definitely turn it around against you. Sure enough, the next morning the attack defense was in full swing. She denies an A to this day subsequent to this particular incident.
I giuess this is a long winded way of asking you to be very careful about how you respond to this (if you do)and take the time to be very sure about what you can live with.
(((Purg))) I agree with Rick that first you need to decide if you want to still be married to your H or not. I'm going through this and for me, I decided it wasn't a dealbreaker, but it hurts worse than almost anything in my entire life. And I am having a h$ll of a time with forgiveness.
I did confront about a week after bomb #1, when I found out he was having an A, and he really wasn't leaving because "we aren't compatible", but much more calmly than I have with information I have since found out. My H did turn it against me in the one real conversation we had about his A.
I have been sitting on lots of information I know about his A that he thinks I don't know for WEEKS now. How, I don't know. But for now, I've chosen not to have the "make it or break it" conversation. You need to decide for yourself whether confronting your husband will help you reach one of your immediate goals you have. If not, I'd keep my mouth closed.
I am so sorry your neighbor even brought this out in the open. True or not. Nosy neighbors are the worst!
) You never know what their motives are.