reading your post today made me think of my own childhood.
long story short.. i had a screwed up childhood. some very good memories, but definitely some memories that i would rather forget. i think i also went through that stage of never feeling quite good enough. and at the beginning of all this, i questioned, why wasn't i good enough? why aren't the kids and i enough?
but like you, i'm learning.. H's actions speak more about him then they do about me. because i am lovable. yes i have faults, but i am willing to admit that and try to become a better person.
you are an amazing father. your kids.. though crazy.. sound pretty incredible too. and that is a reflection of you. i hope your wife sees all that you are soon.. because it saddens me to think that if she doesn't, she may come to regret it later in life. and we all know all those i should haves, i could haves can be so painful.
(((((( rick ))))))
ps. i was checking your post everyday (usually late at night on my iphone) but wanted to wait until i had some real time to write! also.. i had eggplant yesterday and couldn't help laughing to myself.
Barely, so glad to hear from you and happy that I could be part of your dining experience yesterday!
Its hard to think you would question your own value. I can clearly see what kind of person you are and how fortunate your H and kids are to have you. Knowing what you are and what you are going through makes me think about M in and of itself. How does one S miss what is so obvious? I think about it and I guess that's what married couples do, they are like a mirror for the other, and I guess go through life experiences at the expense of the other when things are bad, and grow and bring out the best in the other when things are good.
I realize that both contribute to the dynamic that lead to the RAS (run away spouse). The RAS is more often than not running from their own issues, more than they are running for us. If I could talk to your H I would tell him he must be out of his mind. But, sadly, that is kind of what is going on.
You say the tide is changing. I think so too. It's more the tide in me that is changing and I'm questioning so much of what I'm doing right now. I hearing in my mind an old song that said "I've got one foot on a banana peel, the other in the twilight zone". That's kind of how I'm feeling right now, very torn between staying the course for my M and accepting the incredbily tough trauma of it as this moves forward, and between moving forward alone and possibly destroying a family. The questions is really hard and there's so many factors to weight into this.
Barely, I'm not the dependent type but I will say detaching is not just a matter of saying, okay I'm detached and moving on. I truly gave my soul and life to this woman and the road back to being me for just me is like pulling apart a material that has been woven together, has to be pulled apart thread by thread. I'm not the needy type but I have learned a lot about needing to remember my own value.
Your messages to me really make my day and provide a jolt of strength just at the right time. I see your comment...long story short....about your childhood. I would actually like to hear the long version sometime.
Hope you have a great weekend banana....I'm kind of open ended this weekend....got injured so doing a very backed off version of yoga...maybe watch some movies and definitely do some reading. What about you?
