Again, this is a marathon for a reason. It takes time to get through the negative stuff. We like to say that the only way through this... is THROUGH this... skipping steps... avoiding things... not working through the little things... then those things remain and will always ben in the way of breakthroughs and growth. The values that we get from life.
Why I believe that your M can be saved is because you are still posting here. You are doing a lot of work to find solutions.
I did think that you might be a little closer than perhaps you are. People start doing verbal dances when they are in resistance. The breakthroughs happen when they stop dancing and begin to open up to viewpoints that are contrary to those they hold.
Two people are standing on a ski slope. One person says to the other, "what beautiful blue snow we have today." The other person asserts, "the snow is not blue... it's yellow..." The first person says to the second, "silly rabbit, take off your sunglasses and you will SEE that the snow is blue." To which the second person presents the obvious fact, "but you sir are the silly one, everyone KNOWS that snow is white." But as the person with the yellow tinted lenses takes off their sunglasses, they realize the snow IS blue... because the altitude and clear atmosphere is allowing the snow to reflect the blue of the sky.
Just because we have taken our sunglasses off, doesn't mean we've removed all the filters.
I don't know. I'm not seeing it.
We can't form intimate relationships with people if we won't connect with and engage them.
And the beauty of it all is, we get to choose.
Right now, your choice remains clear. And that's neither good nor bad. It just is, what it is.
Perhaps there really is nothing to love in your H. And that too is neither good nor bad. It too is just what it is... for you.
That is up to you to decide.
At this time, all I think I am left with offering is, keep journaling here and dumping your negative feelings and thoughts regarding your H. Continue to consider if you will just submit to an unsatisfying R with your H until your S leaves home. Or perhaps you may choose to move on with your life, before your S leaves home.
What ever you choose, choose to enjoy life and appreciate what it has to offer. It is you who creates your own happiness. That also remains one of the primary teachings on this board and to a certain degree, of DB.
