Please read your post #2224660 and look for the signs of depression you say above that you have not seen.
And asking him is not likely to get the answers, nor will reading books. Getting the answers will require you to actually communicate and engage with your H (remember, eyes, ears and mouth) and his environmental influence.
Also, your H is trying to show his love in his LL, regardless of whether it's called "quality time" or "quantity time".
How would you or did you show your H that you loved him?
Oh, and mine would be quality time, as described by the site (turn off the tv, put down your fork, look me in the eye, etc.) H is content sleeping through a movie "together."
Oh, just saw this.
Do you really believe your LL is quality time?
Or is it "Acts of service" as described on the site. Such as "pull the weeds, not the flowers" or "don't forget to give S his lunch at school and make sure S brings his books home after school"?
So are you referring to the language we speak, or the language we like to receive? You're asking about my showing love to him or his showing love to me.
That's not how the site describes it. For example, Words of Affirmation: Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
I've read my own post 3 times. It does not match the list I recognize as depression. The only thing close is his constantly being tired, but that's attributed to his crappy sleep habits and the reason for the cpap in the first place.
Acts of service: Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
I could care less if he vacuums. It bothers me immensely when he makes more work for me.
Same for his quality time. He used to invite me to lunch, then read the newspaper, completely ignoring that I was even there.
What is the point of all this? I want reciprocal sex. What difference does it make what the language is called that makes me want that? I've spelled it out to him. I've given it first. It seems like something that pretty much EVERYONE would want. So call it what you want, it doesn't change my need for it.
My curiosity and frustration is peaking. Can you please offer what you know and stop leading me down this rabbit trail? I'm afraid I'm going to give up before we get there.
"So are you referring to the language we speak, or the language we like to receive? You're asking about my showing love to him or his showing love to me."
The language you speak and the language you like to receive are usually the same which is why we get into trouble. For example, my W's LL is Acts of Service. She loves it when I do things for her, especially when she hasn't asked for it, (i.e. home made valentine cards with the kids pictures on them).
This is also the language she speaks, (i.e. it would not be unlike her to make home made valentine cards for me).
However, Acts of Service is not my LL. Physical Touch is and to a lesser degree, Words of Affirmation.
So while my W does things for me (i.e. Acts of Service) because it makes her feel good and it is her primary LL, my tank goes empty because I am not getting the love that I need in the form of Physical Touch.
Make sense?
If we speak each others LL, then each of our needs are met. And it is not easy since we often revert to that which we are most comfortable with. It is really a conscience decision we have to make.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
2, I think there is some discrepancy there. For instance, I like to show love by giving gifts, but I don't like to receive gifts. I like words of affirmation, but I'm not very good at giving them.
By your definition, if my H's LL is physical touch and feels loved when I please him sexually, he should want to show love by pleasing me sexually. That doesn't happen.
I think we all give/need some of all of them. I am not understanding the need to label it, especially if the specific "action" need is defined.
2, I think there is some discrepancy there. For instance, I like to show love by giving gifts, but I don't like to receive gifts. I like words of affirmation, but I'm not very good at giving them.
Nothing wrong with this ^^^^. So is Words of Affirmation your primary LL? If so, then when your H berates you and ignores you, not only is he not filling your tank but he is actually poking holes in it so it drains faster!
By your definition, if my H's LL is physical touch and feels loved when I please him sexually, he should want to show love by pleasing me sexually. That doesn't happen.
You may be right, but Physical Touch for me at least doesn't necessarily have to involve sex, although that is nice too. For me physical touch involves holding my hand without prompting, a reassuring squeeze on the knee, rubbing my shoulders if we are on a long drive, etc.
Just because a persons LL is one thing doesn't necessarily mean they speak that to their partner. A lot do, but not all. Your H just sounds like a dork (no offense intended) who hasn't the first clue how to show love and respect to his partner.
I think we all give/need some of all of them. I am not understanding the need to label it, especially if the specific "action" need is defined.
I agree that we all need/give each of the LL's but I believe we each have a dominant LL that if missing from a R will eventually erode our love and affection we have for our partner. I also agree it is not necessary to label them, but sometimes it is helpful for people to understand with labels.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I agree that we all need/give each of the LL's but I believe we each have a dominant LL that if missing from a R will eventually erode our love and affection we have for our partner.
Again, this is a marathon for a reason. It takes time to get through the negative stuff. We like to say that the only way through this... is THROUGH this... skipping steps... avoiding things... not working through the little things... then those things remain and will always ben in the way of breakthroughs and growth. The values that we get from life.
Why I believe that your M can be saved is because you are still posting here. You are doing a lot of work to find solutions.
I did think that you might be a little closer than perhaps you are. People start doing verbal dances when they are in resistance. The breakthroughs happen when they stop dancing and begin to open up to viewpoints that are contrary to those they hold.
Two people are standing on a ski slope. One person says to the other, "what beautiful blue snow we have today." The other person asserts, "the snow is not blue... it's yellow..." The first person says to the second, "silly rabbit, take off your sunglasses and you will SEE that the snow is blue." To which the second person presents the obvious fact, "but you sir are the silly one, everyone KNOWS that snow is white." But as the person with the yellow tinted lenses takes off their sunglasses, they realize the snow IS blue... because the altitude and clear atmosphere is allowing the snow to reflect the blue of the sky.
Just because we have taken our sunglasses off, doesn't mean we've removed all the filters.
I don't know. I'm not seeing it.
We can't form intimate relationships with people if we won't connect with and engage them.
And the beauty of it all is, we get to choose.
Right now, your choice remains clear. And that's neither good nor bad. It just is, what it is.
Perhaps there really is nothing to love in your H. And that too is neither good nor bad. It too is just what it is... for you.
That is up to you to decide.
At this time, all I think I am left with offering is, keep journaling here and dumping your negative feelings and thoughts regarding your H. Continue to consider if you will just submit to an unsatisfying R with your H until your S leaves home. Or perhaps you may choose to move on with your life, before your S leaves home.
What ever you choose, choose to enjoy life and appreciate what it has to offer. It is you who creates your own happiness. That also remains one of the primary teachings on this board and to a certain degree, of DB.
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