Too Little Too Late.... part 7

[labug]

I don't think it's a good idea to put anyone's needs above yours. That's how we get in these relationships, by not taking care of ourselves, by not setting boundaries, by not being honest about our feelings.

I think you rescuing H with the baby was control. Really think about it, Purg. You've made so much progress, don't lose too much ground over this. You are doing things to get a reaction from him and that's not DB.

2 makes great points.

Hang tough, (((P)))

[rickb89]

Purg - I agree w/ 2Pac & Labug above. There's a 2"*4" headed your way but one that loves you. Stay focused on you....what you need to learn!

[purgatory]

Thanks guys for the 2x4 that whacked me back onto the right path.

2TP: You weren't too harsh, I appreciate your thoughts. In fact, I had started reading it before I noticed who posted... and I assumed it was 25- please take that as a compliment

Bug: I never realized it, but you're right. I *was* trying to do things to get a reaction. I guess I wanted to hear a 'you're great' or 'let me repay the favor' kind of things from him... but I didn't know that until I read your post. Thanks for giving me something to filter my actions through before I do them.

While reading all of y'alls words, I realized that I *let* my expectations grow b/c he's been so helpful and physically around me more often- but I let myself forget that he's not here b/c of feelings for *me*- he's here to help with the 8yo sitch. I let myself slip back into thinking we have a R, and therefore I let myself get hurt.

Reading back over my post- I wanted to smack myself with a 2x4!! I need to get back into my detached brain and compartmentalize reality from what my heart wants to see.

If you want him to know that you value/support his ability to do his job effectively then why all the second guessing and cynicism? Don't you see how that kind of thinking is limiting to your H feeling the full benefit of your actions? You may say one thing but if your actions say something else, then what's the point? Or, you may think a certain way but if your words or body language convey a different message, then you are gonna fail.

I totally get this, and you are absolutely right. How do I do it? I mean, I feel love and appreciation for him- but I am not in any position to express this to him- even from something as simple as a hug and kiss. I know there are other ways of expressing appreciation to people- but H's LL is physical touch, and he doesn't usually respond to a thank you note, or act of service like a special meal.... any ideas? Or are you going to tell me to do nothing at all?

I don't like that I'm so confused right now. I'm trying to review my copy of DB, but it's reading like it's in french or something- I've let myself get all twisted up and I don't know how to get back on track!!

[RoRoinMD]

Purg, I agree with everything everyone has said. I know all about doing something to get a reaction or "You go girl!". NOT having expectations is SO hard. You were doing so well, so just keep moving along.

I'm trying to review my copy of DB, but it's reading like it's in french or something- I've let myself get all twisted up and I don't know how to get back on track!!

I'm confused to. I keep trying to read DR, but can't get past like the first 5 pages. Maybe it's mental for me. LOL

Still so very proud of you for taking your neighbor's child in. You have a heart of gold!

((()))

[BFloat]

first off..

rick - really? 2pac??? made me laugh!

purg - the more i learn about you.. the more i think you're H is a fool! but, doesn't mean he'll be a fool forever. i think a lot of us are looking for that balance... trying to make positive, lasting changes.. but not too extreme that we become inauthentic.

i think that having the ability to self reflect shows strong character. nothing wrong w/ making mistakes.. that's life isn't it? but to recognize them and think, hey maybe i could have done that differently.. that's what's more important.

you're doing great spicy pepper!

[Jenna333]

Everyone slips once in a while. Pick yourself up and continue along on your path You're doing great.

[purgatory]

BF- It's really funny that you called me a 'spicy pepper'... there's a LONG running inside joke about peppers between me and my H! It involves tequila and tattoos, and that's all I'll say about that!

A quick update-
The 8yo is going to be moving to Georgia to live with his birth father while mom goes through rehab. There has not been a timeline set. Since this has been an ongoing issue for years, I don't think the court is going to be satisfied with a 6 week type program. He's really excited about this, but I'm concerned how he's going to react when reality sets in that he may never get to live with his mom again if she can't clean herself up.

My son hasn't grasped the idea that his best friend is leaving, he thinks it's just a few weeks visit.... not looking forward to that crying session when it hits him.

A few positive interactions with H tonight:
-S6 is starting tee-ball and tomorrow is their first practice. H asked if I would plan on being there to watch, and that he "want's these Saturday practices/games to be a family thing regardless of whose weekend it is."
-He helped me figure out some things with my new job and trying to go back to school.

Some not so fun talks too:
-He let me know of his plans for his 5 weeks off before he deploys... 2 of which will be going to Florida with out any of us. But he didn't say anything about the other 3 weeks.
-He referenced moving into his own place when he gets back from overseas (not sure how or why this needed to come up)
-When we knew what the plans were going to be for 8yo, H told me "well now I won't have to be here as much as I thought I was." (Really?! Is he just trying to be mean??)

I did hear some disturbing news from my neighbor friend. She said that with all the drama of the cops the other night, some of the other neighbors have been coming out to gossip. Well, somehow the conversation turned to a lady (2 houses down from me) telling her that she had seen my H kissing another woman multiple times outside, that same woman coming to my house when I wasn't there but H was AND that she's seen *me* coming and going with this same woman.... all of this she said she saw when we moved in the house almost 3 years ago!!

I can't only think that this 'mystery woman' is my exBFF, although there are a few other girlfriends that used to come over frequently before they moved away- but I can't imagine them having an affair with H- but I've learned that I don't know much of anything anymore!! I keep praying that this lady got it wrong; that it was *me* she saw (b/c my hair was longer and blonder when we moved in) or that she thought it was my H, but it was someone else.... Please don't let it be H and exBFF!! That means that both of them made a fool out of me- living a life that was based on lies. Letting me think that they were 'just friends' all these years. Listening to me when I would cry about H to her and all the while, she was taking him for herself! I'm getting sick to my stomach thinking about this!!

What do I do with this info? Should I go talk to the lady 2 doors down and see what kind of description she can give me so maybe I can determine who this woman really is?
I've asked myself if knowing this info would change anything, and my answer is yes AND no.

No: I still want my M and I'm willing to move forward and leave it all in the past. Had I known all of this 2 years ago, I probably wouldn't have gone through all my therapy to discover my issues, nor would have the baby been born- and I can't imagine life without him!

Yes: The realization that I've been duped for the past few years. H was telling me that he was unhappy, but that he wasn't giving up yet... when in fact, he had already moved on and was leaving me to think that our M was worth all the effort.

I wonder if he would be apologetic if I confronted him? Would he have any remorse or guilt? Even though I know that confronting him wouldn't be the best thing to do, I want him to know that *I* know- that he can't live two different lives and keep them secret from the other. The evil part of me wants to stick it to him in the papers- because now I know the type of man that I'm really dealing with! But I won't.

Gosh! I can't seem to write a short post lately, I'm really sorry for all the drama. I have to get it out of my head so I can sleep!

[2chiquitos]

It feels awful to have to hold in this information. Work yourself through it. Remember that your goal is to have serenity in your life. By telling him, will you achieve serenity.

[purgatory]

V: thanks for yoir imput. I tend to agree that if i leave this inside, it could always eat away at me. I'm scared if I tell him, and he doesn't apologize or that he tries to defend himself, my heart won't be able to take it.

But is avoidance the best course of action? Or in the effort to move into a better R with H (someday, hopefully) should I lay all my cards out on the table?

I already dealt with the OW realization poorly back in January... But this is finding out that I've been lied to for over 2 years.... Not sure how to approach this one?

Anyone who's had success/failure with this kind of confrontation, advice is greatly appreciated!!

[purgatory]

Sorry to seem needy, but I'm bumping cause I could really use some sound advice. My emotional brain is starting to take over- and nothing good can come from reacting irrationally.

I was doing ok, and this weekend I've been backsliding like crazy! Confronting him could be a make it or break it conversation. It could also be a chance for me to practice my 180 of 'confronting calmly' instead of attacking (like the old purg would have done.)