Okay, yes, the shame and blame thing was a little deep, but I get the idea.
Now, promise me you aren't going to jump down my throat about being intentionally vague and not answering some question on purpose. I really am trying. I'm just a little lost on this topic. H and I also had a conversation last night that's playing into my confusion, too.
First, I already trust that H is going to fall asleep on the sofa 5 minutes into a movie. He doesn't have to do anything different in that area for me to trust him. I've already told him specifically why I won't watch his movies with him, but he doesn't do anything different in order to accomplish it. He just says, "I know, but it was a long day and I'm tired....etc." Of course, this same behavior happens every time, in the middle of a Saturday afternoon, and even in a movie theater, so it seems he's just "always tired." Fine. Nothing needs to change there, we have no conflict, I watch my movies, he sleeps. If my not watching his movie with him ever really becomes a problem for him, then I expect him to do something different. Otherwise, I don't care.
We had a similar issue several months ago in regards to sleeping together. He snores and I don't sleep well with him so I sleep in the other bedroom. He wants us to sleep together. I've told him exactly why I don't want to. (Several years ago, he got a cpap to help with his snoring but he doesn't like to wear it.) Anyway, at one point I reengaged and agreed to sleep in the same bed as him, as that was one of his big complaints. Although I was investing first, he didn't even bother to wear his cpap (because it's uncomfortable, because he has a cold, because he forgot, etc.) It seems to me that if he really wants something, he would at minimum make it inviting/comfortable for me to accommodate.
He has another issue, one that was discussed last night. He wants me to go to church with him. I used to earlier in our marriage, but I found that he was completely unreceptive to any conversation afterward, either about the sermon or the music, whatever. At least anything where I didn't completely agree with him. If it was anything more than a superficial question, he would tell me to go ask someone else, and would make no attempt to find out or research the answer himself. At the same time, he likes to beat his chest about how God wants him to be the spiritual leader of the family and I'm supposed to follow him (do what he wants me to do.) I finally got tired of the hypocrisy and the lack of sharing and stopped going. It's like going to a movie with a friend, but having a rule that you can't talk about the movie before, during or after. Then what's the point of going to the movie together???
Well this problem has been going on for years, yet last night he was complaining again about my not going with him, even though he has done nothing to address the reasons why I don't go with him. He even went so far as to explain why he hasn't done anything -- he doesn't like conflict, he doesn't have the answers, he thinks we should just automatically be on the same page, he thinks I'm too complicated and ask too difficult of questions, he thinks the answer is obvious and doesn't understand why I don't 'get it,' etc. In spite of all this, he still expects me to go, "because that's what healthy married Christian couples do."
We've had a similar discussion about the S/school issue. I've explained how disruptive it is to my day to have to drop what I'm doing and bring S his lunch, or worse, S not be able to do his homework because H has run off with his schoolbag. I've given him specific instructions -- as soon as you hand S his lunch, make sure he puts it IN his schoolbag, then he can't leave it. Or the minute you get home with son, have him take everything out of the car (he's done this with his winter coat, too) and bring it in the house. There is no reason to leave anything in the car. These seem pretty specific to me, but he doesn't do it.
I also mentioned in a previous post the topic of his weight loss in reference to his actions not matching his words. I was trying to give him an opportunity to earn my trust by letting him use something he wanted to do, and show that his words and actions were consistent. I thought it was a great idea because weight loss requires a long-term discipline and a lifestyle change, and isn't that really what we're talking about with regaining trust? And I thought that it seemed relevant that if he couldn't change his behavior to accomplish a goal that HE wanted, how likely would it be that he could change his behavior for something I wanted. Anyway, it seemed like a good idea, but I got in trouble for being the diet police, or something like that.
My point behind this is that I have already given him very specific things he needs to do in order earn my trust, but he has a thousand excuses why he doesn't do them. He even used to have lists taped to his bathroom mirror, yet he would be standing right in front of the list doing the exact opposite of what the instruction said.
The other side to this is that in spite of what I consider very specific instructions, he will distort what I've asked or said I want. Some time back, we had a discussion about sex, how it's unsatisfying for me, that I've been unsuccessful in instructing H. He said he would do some research, would do whatever, even go to a sex therapist if I wanted. I said there were plenty of books out there. Six months later, the topic came up again and I asked what progress he had made, and he said none because since we had gone awhile w/o sex, he didn't feel a sense of urgency, and he thought that a sex therapist would require both of us. So when we reengaged, it was just as unsatisfying for me as it was before. I said again that there was plenty of information available for him that didn't require a therapist. More months went by, another dry spell, nothing done on his part. Finally, after being nagged into sex because it's my "wifely duty," I agreed to the "act." Since he got in trouble before for not doing anything, NOW he wants to talk technique (still hasn't actually done any research on his own.) I told him it wasn't relevant and I wasn't interested in working on that right now because the mental/emotional issues in our relationship would guarantee failure anyway. I wasn't wanting to have sex, I was just tired of being nagged about it. I also told him that if he were a surgeon, he would spend a lot of time in books and labs before he would ask a loved one to lay down on the operating table to be cut open, yet he hadn't spent any time learning on his own but was expecting me to let him fumble on me. So about two weeks later, he schedules an appointment with a sex therapist and then gets mad at me because I don't want to go. He said I told him to do it. No, I told him to get a book, he suggested a therapist. Plus, that was also a very long time ago when I was still trying to enjoy sex. That's not the case anymore. I finally told him that, in regards to sexual technique, unless the book he's reading frequently uses the word clitoris, then he's not reading the right book. Is that specific enough without being controlling?
This is an extreme example, but it happens in many other little ways, too. Gardening is another example. 18 years ago, I wanted him to garden with me. For the last 15 or so I haven't wanted him to, and have told him so and told him why (eg. he doesn't know a weed from a flower.) But I'm the problem because now he's trying to "do what I want" (garden with me) and I won't let him, in spite of the fact that he still doesn't know a weed from a flower.
Well I think I've babbled on long enough. You certainly can't say I'm holding anything back! You say you think it can be saved, and I want to believe that, but I just don't see what you do. I don't know what I'm missing. it's not that I would feel any better if someone said, "Well, CV, you're right, it's completely hopeless." It's just the elusive "how."
A week or so ago, I had agreed to one night a week of his choice of activities -- his choice, his schedule, his plans. This is because of his insistence that "healthy married couples do things together." Nevermind the fact that we're not healthy and he hasn't addressed any of the issues that make me not want to do anything with him. But I'm supposed to give him opportunity, so that's what I'm doing. We've already discussed extensively the things I don't like. He wants me to remind him every time before we go out. I think that's ridiculous. If I agree to do it, it might make for a more pleasant evening, but it will offset any gain in trust that would be accomplished if he could actually be responsible to remember it himself, which I thought was the goal.
You say you think it can be saved, and I want to believe that, but I just don't see what you do. I don't know what I'm missing. it's not that I would feel any better if someone said, "Well, CV, you're right, it's completely hopeless." It's just the elusive "how."