Since I had the long conversation with my W the morning after my son's party I have had a lot on my mind, and needing time to sort it all out. A back injury from yoga has slowed me down a bit too but expect to be back at it by tomorrow.
I've been following Barely's and Brklyn's sitches and for whatever reasons their comments and thoughts resonate with me too, as well as Bug telling me I need and should take care of myself too.
In addition I have been reading the No More Mr Nice Guy (I can't say or write this without hearing Alice Cooper in my mind) and been reflecting on my wild childhood. I'm connecting the dots from then to now and seeing some patterns and habits that got me to great places. I also see one big "paradigm" as the book calls it that insidiously made its way into how I responded in my M.
I was one of those classic cases of a kid who through organized programs - sports, martial arts, and caring adults made it out of the streets and gained entry into the mainstream world. I got out of the underworld, became a straight A student, earned scholarships and paid the rest of the way through school myself, raised my boys, etc. What I have discovered is that I buried a sense of not being worthy to be in this type of world, not being loveable enough. In effect I realized I felt like I was an imposter in a world that I was not meant to be in. And I overcompensated and became the endless giver, caretaker, enabler. I put up with so much that I should not have because deep down I didn't realize I had more value than that. So while I could take on the corporate world and thrive, reach great heights in the martial arts world, and reach all these outside successes I didn't do that inside.
I've been thinking a lot about how i deserve fulfillment in a relationship, that I have value just by being me, not only wrapped up in what I can give or do for others, or provide. I have been realizing that I deserve to and can be happy going forward with or without my W. Oddly, while I think a D is a horrible tragedy I am no longer afraid that I won't be fulfilled going forward.
As for my W, she continues to go at her issues. After our post party discussion I think she may be approaching things with more of an attitude that extreme change in a R can be for the good which has been my attitude but not hers.
I basically told her that I'm not afraid of eruptions in a M so long as they are used to make our lives better, that I'm going forward with the attitude that this entire sitch if used to better ourselves could erase the problems of the past and make our M better. I also told her that the only kind of realtionship I'm going to be in is with two mature adults, equal partners and not dependent.
The train has left the station for me and I hope she can join me. I do think she might be seeing that she is going to have to kick herself in the a$$ her life or our M is going to work. She's been very close the past few days and it might mean she is acting on the positive things she has been saying recently.
Talking to the incredibly strong woman on this board has made me realize how amazing a strong woman is and how great it can be to have a loving partner like this. This sitch has been invaluable to me retooling how I will live.
