Day One of . . .Year One??

[AntoniaB]

Punkin, more and more I am coming to understand exactly what Brookie is saying about doing the best you could at the time. When you think about it, after a huge tragedy like this with all the work we have done on ourselves, we are really at the point where we are trying to sort of birth new selves out of the ashes. I am constantly struck by how incredibly different my mindset is now as opposed to "then" (and by then I mean in the middle of the marriage). It's at the point where I can't say that I'd want my marriage "restored." I would want a whole new shebang, a much better one, and I'm not saying my marriage was bad. I just expect more of myself now and a lot more from a partner--and what's weird is by more I kind of mean less--I mean both of us a heck of a lot more independent and none of this codependent stuff that really came to define us.

And you know we couldn't see it happening, as it happened so gradually over time. I don't think you or I should hold ourselve responsible for what happened so slowly it was imperceptibly. Our marriages were like that whole thing with the frog in the pot with the water very slowly heating up, and the frog doesn't know till it's too late that he's being boiled.

Sometimes I think the new self we have made from all this mess is so strong that she is harsh on the old self--she judges her and says "you should have seen this coming" or "you shouldn't have done this wrong" or "you shouldn't have been so needy."

Here's the thing: we are primed to do that to ourselves because so many of our exes spewed that crap at us to blame us for them walking out and ending it. Over time, we come to realize that we weren't to blame in this overarching way--that we could have done this or that better, but ultimately, they were the ones who BETRAYED us and the vows. We did not betray them. There is a difference between being codependent on them vs. betraying them and lying and cheating. A huge difference. Do not forget that.

And then on top of us being primed to accept blame, our newer stronger selves are trying to not go back to the people we were since we see those people as so weak. And then the new self blames the old self. But the old self didn't know any better.

Maybe the old self we were in these marriages was kind of immature in some ways. The new self is much more mature and self-sufficient.

Try to look at this as perhaps the only way that you personally would ever have really become who you were meant to be. Perhaps you might never would have been able to become the very strong woman you are today (not saying you weren't strong before but you are BETTER now than before) had that marriage continued.

It's sort of like losing your mate to gain yourself. And yes, in a perfect world we could gain ourselves and KEEP the mate. But if that mate is no longer fulfilling ANY of our needs and unwilling to be a partner with us, there is nothing we can do about it.

Perhaps down the road some of these mates will come back if they have completed their "journey" successfully. Perhaps some of us will find new mates and not wish to reconcile. Perhaps some of us will remain single.

IMHO, you probably love the memory of the two of you but not him now. I don't even LIKE my XH anymore, to be honest. I would never tolerate such a flighty, fair-weather, shallow friend to be in my life. So I can't have him in my life either.

I love him in a very deep way, but I don't love him now. I love him THEN. I love his memory and our memories (or rather my memories of us together). I feel like if something were to happen to him now, it would hurt me and I'd want to help him, but I almost think that the only thing that is really left for him now is the feeling that I would still nurture or care for him if he asked or if he was in need. But love? That's really hard to say. If I do love him, it's a very detached sort of love.

Again, I just think that you and me an anyone else, when we get caught up in the "how much was I responsible" loop, have to just tell ourselves that it's pointless and unproductive and energy-draining to keep "going there." If we have really faced our own inadequacies and we are living a good life takingn care of ourselves now, that's what matters. We can't go back and fix the past. We did our best and we must accept that.