WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole...

[workinghardguy]

Thanks Figg... especially that last sentence, I hadn't thought of it that way.

Well today really sucked. I'm not good at this dark thing. I still feel completely lost at sea, striking out in any direction I can.

Worst part of the day was an unsuspected curveball from W's XH. W had filed for increasing his CS by $500/month. In her defense it is his legally prescribed share that he's never paid. Though she figured he'd be mad but just pay it and be an a$$. Nope. He came at her today with a proposal that they share the kids 50/50, and he doesn't pay her any child support. So now he'll have SS and SD on the nights I have my S.

This means instead of seeing SS and SD 5-6 afternoons/evening out of every 14, I'll see them 2-3. I'll still see SS at least every other Saturday for our volunteer group. But overall I'm pretty heartbroken. I had to leave the conference I was at today for a while because I simply broke down when I got the news via email. At one point I needed to apologize to my W for the tone of my email... I'm just so hurt and angry right now. I'm odd man out... and best I can tell I'm the only one who seems to have the fundamental interests of the kids at the root of my actions. W is pulling them all over because "she needs to do this." XH is doing this to avoid paying child support. Yes, I'm sure part of my motivation is to assuage my own guilt over how this is affecting them, but it is also because I love them and they love me too. But since I have no real standing I get to sit on the sideline. W promised that she will do whatever she has to so I see them at least twice a week. Great. That's an awesome consolation prize.

So that made the day suck. This morning W called me as I was on my way to work. I don't know why I even answered other than I'm programmed to answer when my W calls. I didn't even think about it... it's just automatic. I had gotten much better at not answering near the end of her time in the house, so I'm not sure why I've suddenly regressed so badly. This marks the third morning in a row she's called me (in my defense the first morning I thought it was my son calling and yesterday morning I was asleep when she called and I can't see jack without my glasses). While the last two morning calls came under a pretext of some kid issue (and then went on to a longer discussion about how hard it is to get three kids ready for school) this morning's call was simply to vent about her XH. She even said that... "I'm just calling because I need to vent". Ummm, ok. Since I had already answered I listened and validated. Then after a bit I excused myself and ended the call.

A little later today she emailed me and asked me if I could take the kids on her next weekend with them. Her friends are hosting a music festival at their new restaurant and she wants to go. I'm sure "crush guy" will be there plus some of her FWB guys. And even if they weren't, it's her weekend. Thankfully I didn't have to decide - I had already committed to an out-of-town overnight event so it was very easy to say no. In fact SS is going with me to the event. Then my W asked if my mom could do it... I didn't even check, I just told my W that my mom couldn't either. She was curt and grumpy saying that she'll have to figure something out I guess. Guess you will.

So it was a hard day. This going dark thing is hard. Especially as raw as I am right now. I keep expecting W to call and say she was crazy, that she wants to come home. I know that won't happen but it's the crazy voice that sits in my head.

W just left after picking up SS and SD after work from my house. She asked if I could get kids from school tomorrow as she has to get a bikini wax done. Nope. Seriously? Then as she was leaving she said she'd be home in the evening and that I could call her and "we could talk about things." I don't think I'll be making that call. She's welcome to call me... though not sure if I'll answer.

Heart-breaking moment from today came as my SS and I were discussing the new arrangements where he will be at his dad's more. SS's observations was this... "[Me] do you think he's doing this because he wants to see us more, or because he just doesn't want to pay mom child support?"

Darn observant kids. I could only reply that answering that question requires me to know what his dad is thinking and I don't. That usually there isn't one answer to a question, but lots of answers that all play a role.

But what it must feel like to be a child support avoidance strategy. And it's all so frustratin, but it's the dance we're doing.