I've been behind the scenes on the Board for quite some time. I check in, read up on everyone, and haven't really had much to say for myself. Tonight, I read a question from Seeking that really set off the Burning Question in my Brain, or rather the cause of the unhealing hole in my heart.
HOW MUCH OF THIS HELL AM I RESPONSIBLE FOR? Honestly, I know I was far from perfect, and in fact, took many things for granted as "not mattering after all the years we've been married". Justification is his balm. Rationalization is mine.
It has been such a long journey of heartbreak and rejection for all of us. Self realization and personal detachment. Hard lessons learned. I can say that I have come a long, long way. I have moved on in a very physical way, and a mental way. My emotional way, however, is still screwed to the wall. I battle myself on a daily basis, "is this because I still love him, or because I still love the memory of 'us'"
Yes, ole Punkin is still scourging herself after all this time. I just can't stop feeling guilty for whatever part I truly played in my personal disaster.
Don't get me wrong, anyone. I don't know how I would have survived without the support and sounding board of this site. Maybe it's just that all this personal growth is killing me.
