My story, need help before I mess everything up.

[MrBond]

"W wants to talk about the R BUT then won't talk about the R in other words she struggles to open up,"

The fact that she's trying is a big deal. She's just not talking in the way that you want her to talk. That's controlling.

"then I have to ask the questions to help draw her out and thus lead the conversation?!?!?!?!?!"

Don't lead the conversation. Encourage her. Tell her that it's great that she's trying to step outside her comfort zone and be able to talk about what's on her mind. Tell her to take her time and if she feels uncomfortable about talking about things now (even though she wanted to start it), tell her it's okay and that you're there when she's ready. And that you will not judge her on what she says. Then give her a smile and a hug and be on your way.

[TSquared2]

then I have to ask the questions to help draw her out and thus lead the conversation?!?!?!?!?!

Don't ask questions.

I stopped that, it helped. Takes a while for my W to open, so I have had to really work on patience and undivided attention...and she tests me sometimes I swear to see if I have it, and staying consistent...

One of my 180's that I really have taken a liking to...

[TSquared2]

"Don't ask questions." should have been "Don't ask LEADING questions."

My bad.

[Denton]

So our Sunday night chat has been and gone. Didn't talk about much this week, I asked if me giving her space was still what she wanted and she said yes, she was at home today which is unusual for a Sunday and she said while I was round there I was getting in the way and she didn't feel like doing any housework but as soon as I went out in the afternoon she started cracking on with it???
I asked if there was anything she wanted to talk about and she said no, shes not in a very talkative mood. I asked if she had any plans for this week and she said she was going to see our new nephew on Wednesday and then she said she didn't know if anybody had any plans for tomorrow. By this I knew she mean't the 3rd anniversary of her dads death, I knew it was coming up but didn't know the exact date, I asked if she wanted to talk about that but she didn't.

I knew then there was no point carrying on the talk, so I said I was going, it was our shortest talk since I moved out. Just as I was about to leave I said to her that "I'd like to give you a cuddle to comfort you but I know I can't so I just want to say that I'll be thinking about you tomorrow and you'll be in my thoughts" She seemed quite happy about that and walked to the door with me and got a nice little wave goodbye.

All in all I think tonight went well, I had no desire to talk about the past and there were no emotions from me, just complete calm. I think last weeks talk was a serious backslide as shes been really off with me most of the week, thanks to your guys help I've learnt a lot from last week mistakes and the words of 25, Mr Bond and TS2 have been going round in my mind as I reviewed this thread before we had our talk. This week I've been able to concentrate better at work and I've been far less angry and not feeling so hurt and starting to feel more confident again. I feel like I've got a bit of life back in me which dissapeared a few years ago.

I'm going to make as many opportunities and take as many positives of this situation as I can.

Thanks guys.

[Denton]

So, just over a week has gone by since my last post and nothing seems to have really changed - we had our usual talk on Sunday evening and nothing new was said and as usual she bought up the morning when I shouted at her, BUT at least I had chance to clarify something, she said 2 weeks ago I said I was condoning the way I spoke to her that morning, but I clarifyed that with her that I don't think it was right and if I had chance to go through that morning again I would handle things very differently but I think the way I behaved which ultimately was just shouting at her (and she gave as good back) was understandable.

I really am not sure she is mentally right at the moment, wether that is MLC or some kind of depression or whatever, she just doesn't seem quite right, it's kind of hard to explain but the symptoms of MLC pretty much sum it up, bringing up childhood issues, extreme selfishness, unable to hold a decent conversation about our relationship, THAT distant look in the eyes, trying 'too hard' with other family members too have fun and so much more. Every time I even hint at us splitting up she does an about turn, she doesn't say she wants us to stay together but talks about US in a future context and is making plans for our future with us both being together. I think she is extremely mixed up. I really feel that shes holding onto that morning for everything shes got as it's pretty much the only thing that is factual and not exagerated from stuff in the past but it's been 3 months now and it's getting tiring and it feels like shes holding onto it as a kind of shield to protect her from facing reality about the EA.

One other thing I said Sunday was 'I do miss you, you know' and she started really crying, I know this reaction could mean many things but she just seems so completely confused and doesn't really have a clue at all whats going on in her head, I also said to her about the 5LL because she said I never loved her (right!) and she started crying when I explained how I'd learnt her love languages and what I was doing in the past was me showing her love but was not how she received it.

Divorce busting is tricky at the moment and for the last 3 months because NOTHING gets a positive reaction, it's either a neutral reaction or an angry reaction! Obviously I'm trying to avoid anything that makes her angry and trying to get a neutral reaction.

[MrBond]

You need to stop looking at everything she does under a microscope. Just ENJOY the time together. She's not a test subject and you're not her therapist.

"I really am not sure she is mentally right at the moment, wether that is MLC or some kind of depression or whatever, she just doesn't seem quite right,"

Stop with the questioning like this.

"Divorce busting is tricky at the moment and for the last 3 months because NOTHING gets a positive reaction, it's either a neutral reaction or an angry reaction!"

That's what you don't get. When you DB, you're trying different things to see what works. Even a negative reaction is good. You learn about it and file it away. Even when she says something negative, you make a note of it and file it away and then continue to enjoy yourself with her. When you talk about something that gets a negative reaction, maybe try to approach the subject in a different way with different words. There's always something to learn even when it's negative.

[TSquared2]

Divorce busting is tricky at the moment and for the last 3 months because NOTHING gets a positive reaction, it's either a neutral reaction or an angry reaction! Obviously I'm trying to avoid anything that makes her angry and trying to get a neutral reaction.

I hear you...and it IS tiring (my W is starting to come out of it a bit...does your W maybe have SAD?), but, "nothing", "none"? Really?

I thought the same until I started keeping notes in my journal of ANY positives, no matter how small or whether or not if they had anything to do with me. For example, W started re-connecting with her family again...nothing to do with me, but a positive development regarding the depression side of things...

When I get frustrated/tired/etc...I can see some progress via my documentation and this helps my PMA and detachment.

[Denton]

That's what you don't get. When you DB, you're trying different things to see what works. Even a negative reaction is good. You learn about it and file it away. Even when she says something negative, you make a note of it and file it away and then continue to enjoy yourself with her. When you talk about something that gets a negative reaction, maybe try to approach the subject in a different way with different words. There's always something to learn even when it's negative.

Good point, I am learning what's a negative and obviously taking steps to not repeat them. I would just like too see her smile towards me a couple of times or say thankyou etc. I'll keep DBing, things aren't getting worse so I guess that's a good sign

[Denton]

I hear you...and it IS tiring (my W is starting to come out of it a bit...does your W maybe have SAD?), but, "nothing", "none"? Really?

I thought the same until I started keeping notes in my journal of ANY positives, no matter how small or whether or not if they had anything to do with me. For example, W started re-connecting with her family again...nothing to do with me, but a positive development regarding the depression side of things...

I know she has SAD, how bad it is, is hard to determine but it is probably no different to previous years and that was fairly mild.

For the positives - she is fine with everyone else, like I said it seems shes trying 'too hard' to laugh and joke and be extra friendly with everyone else (way above what she has EVER been like). There are just no positives towards me, theres not many negatives either - just neutralness.

Now the days are getting lighter and the suns out more we'll see how everything progresses, as I said to Mr B at least things haven't got worse so thats good, I guess she needs time to sort her head out.

[TSquared2]

I guess she needs time

Yup...take advantage of that time for yourself as well to improve YOU...as painful and hard as my journey has been so far, I am thankful for it...I know me better, I have improved me. This may not have happened had this crisis not happened....