Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best

[AlwaysTrying]

Faith is believing without seeing. It is not rational, but it is a driving and guiding force that paves the way for change. It may not be realistic or reasonable, but it might just the only way to imagine a better world and to bring it into being, when the universe seems to be set against you.

I imagine a lot of us here have some abandonment issues - and that drives us to be willing to do anything to keep our R's together. I don't believe that alone is effectively keeping many marriages together. That fear of abandonment has actually been a cancer in our relationships with our spouses, and something that has to be overcome if we are to become the strong, healthy people that will draw our once-partners back to us. Those fears probably led to negative patterns that sabotaged our marriages. We can't hope to rebuild our marriages successfully until we can define new healthy patterns.

It is our belief in marriage itself, not the act of hanging onto someone else, that keeps us here. We are believers, and we hold the bond of marriage to be sacred. I think most of us eventually see that we didn't hold up our end of the bargain in our first go-round, but we will do our damnedest to put things right and heal the sacred bonds we all made.

I mention this because when I first felt the bomb drop, it pulled the rug out from under me and shattered every dream I had for myself and my family. I was devastated. Truly. I am a naturally optimistic person, and I always had a certain amount of faith that things will just work out alright, because they usually do. I lost that.

My wife said in therapy shortly after the bomb that it was like my soul was shattered and that I couldn't access it, so I held onto hers instead. That was a grim image. And she wasn't talking about just after the devastation of hearing, "I think I need a separation.". I had been depressed for a while and it was taking a toll on her.

Well, I've moved on and become stronger in a lot of ways, and we say you have to Get A Life and improve yourself for yourself, and that's all true. But I have to say the source of my strength was actually my belief in Marriage. That defined who I was and why I had to get up in the morning. I needed to be the best father I could be and become the husband my wife would be a fool to leave because I believed in marriage and family.

Eventually, I believed in myself, too.


I mention this all because I am an atheist. I don't believe that there is a god that has a personal interest in my life or who affects the events of the world or the people around me. It sounds agnostic when I phrase it that way, but trust me, I'm an atheist. I'm happy that way. Don't worry about it. Please.

It can be hard, as an atheist, when your worldview is marginalized, especially when it comes to self-help and support groups. Give yourself over to a higher power? Pray? Not believing in a god is a dirty subject, it will cause arguments that make no sense and never end, and you just don't bring it up.

When you're a non-believer, and you're stricken with grief and powerless to respond, it is hard to know exactly where to turn, though you know others can turn to their deity or their belief system for strength and hope.

Well, non-believers, what they say is true; you need belief and faith to get through this. Those of us who don't believe in a god still have a moral life and we still believe in big things - Justice, Freedom, the Value of Life, Humanity, Community, Family, stuff like that.

Well, believing in justice and family wasn't helping me out a lot at first. I was bitter and angry. But I found that my belief in Marriage itself was a source of strength for me. Eventually, that lead to a stronger belief in myself as I changed my thoughts and behaviors to be in line with my belief in marriage.

And I found that I could have faith in what I was doing, so long as I knew that I was fighting as compassionately and effectively as I knew how for my family. It is scary to let go of uncertainty and just act as if your best intentions for your life will come to pass - you have to stick with it, but it is so worth it. It was especially hard for me to move out of my house to give my wife the "space" she needed, when I have no way of knowing whether it really helps. It's taken me a while to understand what space is for. It has been painful, but I'm really glad I did it.

In the end, I have belief and faith in myself and that is an incredibly powerful positive force.

Also, about surrender - as an atheist, you might be unsure how to surrender to a higher power. Eventually, you can surrender yourself to the naked fact that you can't control so much of what is important to you, and you have to just let it happen. You can let go.

You can let go of what you can't change, work on what you can, and sometimes even have the wisdom to tell the difference - all without God.

You can have faith - belief without knowing. You can find the strength to act as if your dreams will come true, even if you don't have any evidence at the moment to prove that it will.

If you don't or can't believe in God, find strength in Doing What Is Right and eventually, transfer that strength right down into the center of you.