On February 10, my husband of 17 years gave me the "I love you but I'm no longer in love with you" speech. He said he is not happy, he wants his freedom, he doesn't want to have to spend his time meeting me for dinner, etc. He said there is no one else in his life, he just wants to be single and do singleton things again.
I think he is having a MLC. He's 41. I'm 37. In the past nine years or so, we've been through two job losses (both his), an abusive job situation (mine), the death of my adopted Grandmother, the death of his father, he returned to school full time and started working full time after a year being out of work, and just recently, he got into trouble at his current job over a holiday bonus. We've also gone from him being the primary income earner in the house to me being the main income source, and taking over the mortgage on the house he bought when he was 21. Also over the past year, he's had a host of health issues, from headaches, to gallbladder surgery, to finding out he has a hernia that causes him to have terribly gastric upset. He's lost about 30 pounds from not being able to eat over the last year.
He doesn't appear to have another person. Perhaps an emotional affair, but not a physical one. He keeps in contact with me about where he will be and when, he doesn't make any untoward financial purchases, he has not set up a separate account that I know of. I am not snooping into his affairs.
But the man I knew, my best friend, my rock, my partner and confidant appears to be replaced with someone who looks like him, sounds like him and yet says some of the most hurtful things he's ever said to me in the course of our marriage. We are still living in the same house, and he wants things in many ways to continue as they always have - he wants my friendship, companionship and for me to be with him for meals and in the evenings, but he doesn't want to be married to me anymore, and says that he no longer sees the "flame" of passionate love he once had for me, so he is no longer in love with me. He wants a way to leave our marriage and still keep our friendship, he says.
I asked him to leave our bedroom and sleep on the pull out couch. He said that since he is no longer in love with me, he does not want to cuddle, kiss, hold hands, hugs, or be affectionate with me. I couldn't deal with that kind of rejection while I was trying to sleep, but every night it's a struggle to not ask him to come back to our bed. I cry myself to sleep most nights.
I started IC almost immediately after the ILYB bomb drop. I have an online support group of very close friends to talk to when I need to. I am keeping a journal. A close work friend knows what's going on in detail, and she is supporting me at work when I need it.
He has arranged to get counseling though his work, and his first appointment was last week. Now, his counselor wants to see us both on Monday. My counselor has loaned me Michele's Divorce Busting book, and I have also ordered the Divorce Remedy book, to be delivered today. I keep re-reading the blog posts, especially the one about surviving your husband's MLC, but I'm terribly afraid that I don't have what it takes to get through the patient, "time takes time" process this is going to take. My husband has always been my very best friend and we shared everything in our lives. Now that's gone, and I feel very alone. I am trying to hold to the mantra that I can't fix him, I can only fix me and that I must give him the space and time he needs to get through this on his own and the greatest proof of my love and belief in our marriage is that I stand back, work on myself, and love him from afar until he is ready to come back.
