Yeah, no kidding, labug! This is the kind of blame I've had to deal with since the bomb. It is all MY fault. Apparently, it was up to ME to make sure that our M was perfect. I am the one that failed.
While I admit that I had my fair share in this: I may not have filled his love tank and not given him enough attention. I was going through a stressful time and didn't cope well. But hey, it doesn't matter, I didn't put H first, so it's all my fault. (I hope you can sense come sarcasm here - I don't really think it's all MY fault).
Well, at least H said that he doesn't "know" if he can forgive me. At least it wasn't a straight "I'm NEVER going to forgive you". I told him he'll have to eventually if he wants to move forward. He may not be ready now, but he will need to do it one day.
Our conversation sort of continued for a bit when he got home. H brought up that I'm friends with my old boyfriend on FB, and that we have history. I told him that I have no problem with un-friending him, and our "history" goes back before H and I even met.
H said I need to trust him. (Ha!) I told him that it will take time for me to do that. (He lied to me. He had an EA. I know they were communicating via FB a lot, so to have that line of communication still open is not helping it me with trust. And he still texts her outside of work hours even though he says it has nothing to do with "us". I said I don't care if they talk about the weather, it's just not okay).
I told H that not knowing what is going on can make my mind go wild. H said: "I'm still here, aren't I?". I said I don't know what that means. A couple of weeks ago he was still looking for apartments, he still has contact with OW, he's not wearing his ring, so I don't know what anything means.
I think it was good to get some of the stuff out (in a calm way). Though he didn't come out and say it, I think he really is taking steps to wanting to make it work. Maybe he is starting to realize that he does have a lot to lose, but he's scared to let himself open up and get hurt again.
He is still reluctant and scared, but I think he's sloooooowly getting there. I'm also learning that showing some signs of frustration on my end makes him *show* that he does care (sort of like a temp check for me). If I try to turn away, he will hug me, or try to make me look at him again.
It was kind of funny that when he came home last night I was making dinner and chopping some veggies. He made me put the knife down as we talked, and kept me from picking it up a few times when I felt frustrated and just wanted to keep chopping. I guess after I slapped him during my big blow up, he *might* be afraid I may *do* something.
