Specifics, please! Can't afford telephone consult!

[ptcr]

Hi 25. Thank you for your time and attention to my post.

I meant by his 180 comment that I am still trying to decide if this is a MLC or a symptom of depression, bipolar, alcoholism. This behavior is very erratic in my opinion. But then again, he was cheating on my for 2 years without my knowledge so maybe not true.
He said more than once we were best friends, companions and our sex lives were not good enough and that he wanted to experiment because we got married so young at 22.

Holy cow...you hit the nail on the head. My entire thought process IS about him. You are exactly right. Thank you. I am wasting my precious energy on him/diagnosing him/guessing what he is thinking/doing, etc.

Love him TOO much meaning that I managed our lives and allowed myself to disappear thinking this was a loving act. Who knows. I think what you said later is very true. Do I love this man or the security of marriage or the early years or the idea of being married more than what our marriage had become by summer (weeks before he let me in on the fact that he had been fooling around for 18 months at that point) because this summer he was a miserable person and he made us all very unhappy with his quick temper and easy criticism. S16 says it is way less stressful with him OUT of the house.

MC insight helpful. You are correct again...he was lying so it does negate plenty. He is NOT willng to change and nor does he want an open marriage. He just wants his way.

Emotionally needy..I have always been social and have lots of friends, volunteer at church, school, etc, and I am always excited to see him and hear about his trips. I think it was my instinct...my questioning to him sounded like grilling because he was running around is my guess. Read love languages books at church and he is physical touch/words of affirmation and mine is acts of service/time. When I used that this Fall after he returned, he could not handle either and said it made him feel guilty. Yes, I have DB book now and should have read it after 1st departure but read Surviving an Affair and Dobson's Tough Love and Torn Asunder and felt we were making progress with the MC, IC and our trip to Italy.

His purview was outdoor yard work and big projects, deck building, installing lighting, sinks, handyman stuff. Yes, went to plenty of deployment seminars about sharing the mantle of responsibility and the trials associated with return from det, deployment, etc.

I am making a list of things to work on in myself.

All this blathering and I am still trying to figure HIM out and writing about HIM. I think I get it. This time is about ME. Someone remind me of that.

So, stopping at S18's college and decided to spend the night since I have cat and dog and can't really leave them in the car...and it is a 7 hour drive there and then 2-1/2 more home. H is so mad. How does this coparenting work while dim/dark? He is in our home watching Tyler and said he will "need 2 hours notice" on my return. Yes, Tyler has ADHD and anxiety. He went through a spell of cutting and burning himself a year or 2 ago. He hangs out with known felons and potheads. He sees a counselor on a biweekly to monthly basis (was more often earlier). He is an A student and planning to attend college, but his friends have dropped out of high school and attend some online school.

My idea from earlier suggestion is just leave H out of it entirely when I return from this trip. Either take Tyler with me or find a friend if I go out of town and leave his Dad alone because he will think I am controlling him...

So, my plan is to stop obsessing about him. Stop thinking about him. Out of his vortex. Don't change locks because legally cannot. Quit trying to figure out why or what is going on in his head because I cannot. Hold on tight. Keep praying for patience. Stop spying on him.

Mishka, seen any DBing from pilots? Last thought of 25 scares me...IF he is willing to do the work. His ego is so huge and that is our biggest obstacle as you know from your laundry list of pilot traits that describe him perfectly. Back in the bubble tomorrow. Appt with Wells Monday (gravely voice, answered her own phone yesterday??). Would love to meet at the Avenue at Starbucks after 12 if you are interested.