Too Little Too Late.... part 7

[RoRoinMD]

(((Purg))) - I am SO proud of what you and your H did! God makes no mistakes! I know it's going to be an adjustment. I will be praying for all of you.

[Grmpy_Mnky]

Purg, something is at work here - praise..

[2thepoint]

Wow! Great story Purg. And yes, God does work in mysterious ways! You're a good person and you have been given an opportunity that may yield unimagined possibilities for your future!

((((Purg))))

[Jenna333]

How awful for that poor kid To be so scared that he called his out-of-state grandmother for help? I remember being around my drunk dad at that age and it was so confusing and heartbreaking.

[ces67]

Hey P - Thinking & praying for you with the added responsibility. Its hard to see how God works but I've seen so many times where God creates the amazing from the miserable.

Hate what the poor boy must have had to deal with but am thankful he has support he needs from you. God knows how he can use this to impact many lives. Continue to be open.

(((((((((P)))))))))

[rickb89]

Purg - not much to add to the other comments but you are a good soul, and yes, this might be an event that opens doors for you both.

[BklynMom]

It is wonderful what you and your family are doing. May be this will be his mom's wake up call. Hey - this is another reason you should check out Al anon, you have been effected by the disease.

The circumstances last night were extreme but I think as time progresses we all see that these crazy times are part of life. 2tp W was deathly ill. If it wasnt this circumstance it would be another, a sick relative, who knows but we can only pray that our WAS see the benefit of being part of a team/family/partnership especially during trying times.

[nhmom]

Purg, you are a wonderful person! I was tearing up reading your post. It is so sad when kids have to go through something like this. I, too, hope that it will serve your neighbor as a wake up call.

I also hope that this situation proves to be a blessing in disguise for you and your H. What happened is certainly no coincidence.

How long will the boy stay with you? Did you H say more about how he'd change his arrangement?

[purgatory]

Today was a little stressful to say the least. (it's gonna be a little long since I don't have the time to post randomly throughout the day anymore, sorry.)

I had to get *3* kids plus myself ready and out the door by 7... I think I broke a sweat trying to dress the baby!

I gave the 8 year old the choice to go to school or come to work with me, he chose to hang out with me. **I knew that he would be too distracted to focus on school work** He helped me organize and alphabetize games and books (busy work, but still needed to be done.) I asked him how he was feeling about last night, his first response (get the tissue): "I'm just glad she can't hurt me anymore." I could almost hear my heart breaking for him.

H and I had a meeting with the CPS worker tonight and she filled us in on the next steps. It appears as though 8yo will be staying with us through the weekend, at least. There's some legal issues that need to get worked out before they can decide who he will be living with while mom goes through rehab. **His mom was on her porch almost every time we were getting in or out of my car- I know she was trying to get a glimpse of him, but 8yo said: "she can't talk to me, so I have no reason to look over there." (mature for such a little kid, huh?)

=========================
I sent him an email this morning saying: "Thanks for being the calm within the storm last night. I've always admired your ability to keep a level head during a crisis. It was greatly appreciated." **this may seem like pursuing, but it's actually a 180 for me. in the past, I probably would have sent an email telling him *my* emotions about the sitch, in hopes that he would ask for more... but we would get into arguments b/c I would complain that he never asks how I feel, and he would say, "you never give me a chance to b/c you just come right out and tell me. What about me? You never ask about me and my feelings, how can you expect me to ask about yours when you don't do the same for me?" So... my email was exclusively about *him* (and although I didn't ask him his feelings in this one) I did give him a compliment (another 180) and didn't try to 'force' a talk about *me*.
H responds with: "You're welcome. I just hope we both learn from this experience." Not sure how to take this response... any ideas??

H and I talked more today than we have in a long time. He called a few times to see how 8yo was doing and I kept him up to date on conversations with CPS. We even shared a few laughs tonight while he was trying to help me with a computer issue.

H was suposed to take the boys with him to the gym tonight (since it's his scheduled night), but he didn't want to take 8yo to an unfamiliar place since he's a little sensitive today... I offered to keep them while he was working out so that he didn't have to mess up his training schedule (I can hear someone fussing at me for giving up my night to support H)... He takes the baby and leaves me with the older boys- a much easier task to monitor. {here's where I need to learn to keep my mouth shut} As he's getting ready to leave, I told him that it wasn't fair that *I* should have to sacrifice my night, while *he* didn't have to change anything. He said: "so, you're mad that I accepted the offer that *you* gave me?!" A little more back and forth and I realized that I had kind of set him up in a way, and that I didn't really know what different outcome I had been hoping for, so I apologized and asked him what time he would be home so I could possibly do something when he got home. He told me 8:30 (normal time.) Well guess what happened, he came home at 8! I know it's not monumentally early, but I acknowledged it and he smiled. BTW, I KNOW he didn't go to the gym b/c he was in the same clothes and didn't have the usual gym smell, so now my mind starts to wonder where he went for 1.5 hours- and still dropped the baby with the babysitter... but I never asked.

I left to GAL by just killing time. I didn't have a plan for tonight, but I wasn't going to let h think that. While i was driving around, I realized that yesterday and today's events really make me appreciate H and how he's always been the rock in our family when things get rough, which led to lovey feelings for him, which led to me missing him. I really miss being able to hug/kiss him whenever the mood strikes me and knowing that he loves me back.

{someone get out the 2x4} As I was writing this, I heard the baby start crying really bad, and H was struggling to calm him down. I let it go one for 20 minutes, but couldn't take it anymore. I offered for H to sleep in the guest room and I would take care of baby. He apologized for waking me up (guess he doesn't know that I've developed insomnia?) and he took me up on my offer. Now some of you may say that I was doing the old Purg thing and 'taking control' and 'solving problems' for H- but honestly my motivation was this: H has to be at work at 5:00 everyday, so his sleep is important. *I* don't have to work tomorrow. *H* didn't get much sleep last night since the detectives and CPS were at the house until 12:30am, and he really struggled to stay awake at work today. So, I view this as a NEW Purg thing: I put his needs above mine and by doing so, let him know that I value/support his ability to do his job effectively. Well, at least I *hope* that's what he'll think.... although, him thinking that he got away with not having to deal with the baby is more likely, oh-well.

Still curious as to how this may or may not effect mine and H's R.
I think I'm gonna try to get some sleep now, good-night

[2thepoint]

First off, I want to say how greatly I admire you for taking the boy in. That is such a loving thing to do. And your H's help and your acknowledgment of it was spot on. No complaints from me in that regard!

"H responds with: "You're welcome. I just hope we both learn from this experience." Not sure how to take this response... any ideas??"

Accept it for what it is and don't try to read anything else into it.

"H was suposed to take the boys with him to the gym tonight (since it's his scheduled night), but he didn't want to take 8yo to an unfamiliar place since he's a little sensitive today... I offered to keep them while he was working out so that he didn't have to mess up his training schedule (I can hear someone fussing at me for giving up my night to support H)... He takes the baby and leaves me with the older boys- a much easier task to monitor. {here's where I need to learn to keep my mouth shut} As he's getting ready to leave, I told him that it wasn't fair that *I* should have to sacrifice my night, while *he* didn't have to change anything."

OK 2x4 headed your way. You offer to keep the boys but then when he agrees, you verbally beat him up for that?! Come on Purg, you ought to know better than that!

"He said: "so, you're mad that I accepted the offer that *you* gave me?!" A little more back and forth and I realized that I had kind of set him up in a way, and that I didn't really know what different outcome I had been hoping for, so I apologized and asked him what time he would be home so I could possibly do something when he got home. He told me 8:30 (normal time.)"

I think he had a right to be annoyed. You have to be careful to avoid setting traps for yourself that you then waltz right in to.

"Well guess what happened, he came home at 8! I know it's not monumentally early, but I acknowledged it and he smiled. BTW, I KNOW he didn't go to the gym b/c he was in the same clothes and didn't have the usual gym smell, so now my mind starts to wonder where he went for 1.5 hours- and still dropped the baby with the babysitter... but I never asked."

What does it matter? He came home early, probably felt guilty because of your comment and did something different for 1.5 hours. You gotta stop the self sabotage, Purg!

"While i was driving around, I realized that yesterday and today's events really make me appreciate H and how he's always been the rock in our family when things get rough, which led to lovey feelings for him, which led to me missing him. I really miss being able to hug/kiss him whenever the mood strikes me and knowing that he loves me back."

Then you have to watch your words and actions that tell a completely different story than what you said above ^^^^.

"{someone get out the 2x4} As I was writing this, I heard the baby start crying really bad, and H was struggling to calm him down. I let it go one for 20 minutes, but couldn't take it anymore. I offered for H to sleep in the guest room and I would take care of baby. He apologized for waking me up (guess he doesn't know that I've developed insomnia?) and he took me up on my offer. Now some of you may say that I was doing the old Purg thing and 'taking control' and 'solving problems' for H- but honestly my motivation was this: H has to be at work at 5:00 everyday, so his sleep is important. *I* don't have to work tomorrow. *H* didn't get much sleep last night since the detectives and CPS were at the house until 12:30am, and he really struggled to stay awake at work today. So, I view this as a NEW Purg thing: I put his needs above mine and by doing so, let him know that I value/support his ability to do his job effectively. Well, at least I *hope* that's what he'll think.... [color:#FF0000]although, him thinking that he got away with not having to deal with the baby is more likely, oh-well[/color]."

If you want him to know that you value/support his ability to do his job effectively then why all the second guessing and cynicism? Don't you see how that kind of thinking is limiting to your H feeling the full benefit of your actions? You may say one thing but if your actions say something else, then what's the point? Or, you may think a certain way but if your words or body language convey a different message, then you are gonna fail.

Does this make sense? I hope I'm not coming across to harshly.