My story, need help before I mess everything up.

[Denton]

You are backsliding into victimhood and expectations.

Thanks to your (and others) wonderful advice I'm really getting away from the victimhood, I don't see that at the moment. I've really lowered my expectations and will trying to do until my expectations from her are absolutely nothing. What I'm guilty of is trying to improve things, it may be that I'm being impatient and just need to let nature take it's course, because if I look back at the last 6 weeks I can see improvements now that I didn't at the time. I guess from the very beginning my expectations of her and the sitch were way to high. I originally thought we may be able to get this sorted within a few weeks of me moving out!!!!!! Where as now I can see it's going to take maybe 6 months or more to get to us being relaxed with each other and maybe cuddling etc.

If I were you, I'd stop the obessessing about OM. I really would.

I REALLY am trying to get away from this, it's just the flashbacks that bring it to the surface. I'm again making progress with this, what you and everybody else are saying is sinking in and I am making progress, I don't know if I'm being slow or if the speed I'm progressing is normal. But everyday I can recognise little changes in ME.

It takes the focus off how YOU got here (you know, like things YOU did or said that hurt her...which is what you ought to be working on)

and you need to work on YOU a whole lot more than you need to wait around for an apology.

I feel far less need for an apology now than the last time I posted about it. I was just hoping she would see the whole EA for what it was, and thanks again to your advice I'm getting used to the fact that I may never get one or any admittance to the EA.

Be patient. Forget dramatic gestures and STOP giving ultimatums.

Patience - I wish I could bottle it and sell it in a shop somewhere, I would be the richest man in the world!
There was only that ultimatum the one time which was mid December, as far as I remember it's the only time I've done that since we've been together. I know it's not DBing but I would do it again if I had chance to go through that morning again BUT I would of gone about it in a whole different way.

it's so controlling and that IS clearly a problem you have. I see it in your posts. Even now.

I CAN'T (not won't) see it, most of the time, you and Mr Bond have made it a lot clearer to me than it was.

Question, is leading a conversation and asking questions controlling? I'm getting so confused as to what is controlling and what isn't. I know some stuff is obvious like if I said to her you MUST cook tea! (I never have) it's the more subtle controlling that I can't see sometimes.

You need to truly learn some basics here, like owning your stuff, staying in your sandbox (& out of hers) and digging a lot deeper in YOU.
b/c you are all you control. You cannot control her. Get that.
and work on your issues-- so you are the better choice.

I think I am owning my stuff, I'm still discovering more but once I can see it I work on it. As said earlier I'm lowering my expectations of her to nothing, if I expect nothing of her then I can't get dissapointed ot frustrated.

Thankyou 25, I don't know if I am frustrating you or not with my progress but you have been exceedingly helpful to me, I really am doing the best I can and I can see I've made huge progress in the last couple of months. This whole experience has been very eye opening and I have learnt so much about myself and learnt new skills and have new awareness that I never knew existed in other people and was available to me. It's like half my brain has suddenly become alive and has started working!


So how are YOU showing her that YOU have changed?




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