Don't know which way to turn...

[Dazed11]

Mr Bond, I agree and disagree with you. I AM standing for my vows, but it IS a struggle and there IS real pain (for both of us). I'm not fighting against my W; I feel I'm fighting time (past and future). I'm fighting against what she has seen and experienced over the years that got us to this point; and her thought that it can't/won't be different in the future.

Change (real substantial change) takes time and a lot of times is a painful process to go through, but the only way to grow is to go through this. As someone once told me, "To get through this, we have to go through this."

I know when we get through this and she sees the real changes I've made (the GALs, the 180s, etc) then the pain and struggle will subside; it's just going to be a bumpy road to get there.

She is a very strong willed person (which is normally a good thing, because we've needed that strength in the past to get through some difficult times together), so it will take time for her to open her eyes and see the reborn M.

Luckily for me (and our boys), we are still very good friends through this process and we are still living together, sharing the same bed, raising our boys together, outwardly living the happily married couple life. My boys don't need to go through this difficult process with us...if we ever decide to S or D, that will be hard enough on them.

I'm not a patient person, and I now realize this process will fully test the level of patience and resolve that I have; and unfortunately right now I can't lean on the 1 person who has always been there by my side everyday no matter what for almost 18 years.

I think that is the hardest part for me, that right now I need to go through this without her. I need to make the changes for me, do the 180s for me, and eventually we will work on this together, but she needs to see the possibility of a future before she will invest any emotion/energy into the process.

I thank all of you for being here to help, guide, and encourage.