Mr Bond, I agree and disagree with you. I AM standing for my vows, but it IS a struggle and there IS real pain (for both of us). I'm not fighting against my W; I feel I'm fighting time (past and future). I'm fighting against what she has seen and experienced over the years that got us to this point; and her thought that it can't/won't be different in the future.
Change (real substantial change) takes time and a lot of times is a painful process to go through, but the only way to grow is to go through this. As someone once told me, "To get through this, we have to go through this."
I know when we get through this and she sees the real changes I've made (the GALs, the 180s, etc) then the pain and struggle will subside; it's just going to be a bumpy road to get there.
She is a very strong willed person (which is normally a good thing, because we've needed that strength in the past to get through some difficult times together), so it will take time for her to open her eyes and see the reborn M.
Luckily for me (and our boys), we are still very good friends through this process and we are still living together, sharing the same bed, raising our boys together, outwardly living the happily married couple life. My boys don't need to go through this difficult process with us...if we ever decide to S or D, that will be hard enough on them.
I'm not a patient person, and I now realize this process will fully test the level of patience and resolve that I have; and unfortunately right now I can't lean on the 1 person who has always been there by my side everyday no matter what for almost 18 years.
I think that is the hardest part for me, that right now I need to go through this without her. I need to make the changes for me, do the 180s for me, and eventually we will work on this together, but she needs to see the possibility of a future before she will invest any emotion/energy into the process.
I thank all of you for being here to help, guide, and encourage.
M36 W35 S8 S5 M11 T17 ILYB Bomb: 01/25/12 Still living in the same house, sharing the same bed, trying to make it better
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly."
Change doesn't need to be painful. It's the struggle that's wearing you down. Once you attain true understanding of this, that's when your confidence will come back. Once your confidence comes back, all of the anxiety will lessen.
"I know when we get through this and she sees the real changes I've made (the GALs, the 180s, etc) then the pain and struggle will subside;"
Nope because when you're married to someone, your situations will change over the years. It will never stay constant. Rather than fighting the change (like a current), flow along with it and evolve.
See many couples who R find themselves right back on here because they only correct the things that were currently problems and not the bigger picture.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I've hinted at it a few times, for example: when we were discussing our R after the bomb, I said that while I understood how she felt about the M (not feeling the connection, the ILYB, etc) if that led to her becoming really close with anyone and leaning on anyone else for the emotional connection that she wasn't getting wtih me in the M, that I can understand why she would lean on someone else but I thought for the best chance for us to R the M, that she needed to put that other relationship on the back burner, so there would be room for our R to grow now that we are talking about more of the issues. She said that she had a few close friends who she talks to but no one that she is using to replace the lost connection between us. I left it at that. I felt I made my point and she understands how I feel and she will do (or not do) with it what she wants. I can't make her stop talking to the guy, especially because they were friends for years before the EA started.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, I think the EA has either stopped or has greatly been reduced (or I've stopped snooping and haven't noticed). There was a couple times last fall where she said she was going someplace with one of her friends, and I know for a fact (due to my snooping) that she wasn't, so I would assume she was with him (no other reason to lie about who she was having dinner with). That kind of stuff has ended. She's a lot less secretive about where she's going and with who. She's online IMing a lot less (therefore a lot less with him). The texting has stopped (probably because she knows I can see it on the cell phone bill, even though I haven't checked in a few weeks, since I found this site and the DR book).
I don't plan on confronting her (she doesn't do well with confrontations to begin with) simply because I've made my thoughts known already, and if she really wants to work on us then she will stop the EA. Also, the things I'm doing now (the 180s and GALs) are for me and my sons, not for her.
I firmly believe that in time she will see the changes (she has commented on it a couple times already), recognize that M to me can and will be different, and decide (hopefully) that is what she wants and our M can be re-born. If those things happen, the EA will end on its own.
M36 W35 S8 S5 M11 T17 ILYB Bomb: 01/25/12 Still living in the same house, sharing the same bed, trying to make it better
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly."
I guess my sitch is different than a lot of others here. My WAW has mentally walked away, but not physically. There are times when I see the emotion poke through: this morning when she kissed me goodbye, she said ILY, and there was actually some emotion behind the kiss (she held it for a couple seconds, instead of a .5 sec peck). I don't know if the goodbye was different because I'm not going to see her tonight (GALing with the guys tonight and won't be home until after she's asleep probably). When she hugged me Wed morning it was a long hard embrace (probably 6 seconds), instead of a quick hug like you give your aunt who you see at Christmas.
When that emotion pokes through it gives me hope that some part of her wants to stay and make it work, even though she then flips the switch and gets cold and distant for the next 3 days. It's like she's fighting a battle with herself about if she really wants to stay or go, and she is probably staying right now just because it is easier to live together and share responsibility for raising the boys than if we were separate and trying to figure it out. It certainly is better for the boys if we stay together because we don't fight/argue/etc so they are still living in a loving home.
I think she is telling herself it's not going to work, because it hasn't worked for a few years and she doesn't either want to believe the changes are real and permanent, or she hasn't seen enough changes yet to believe M will be different.
She has asked me a bunch of times, why M would be different going forward, and I always tell her the same thing: because I'm different, she's different (she can tell me what she thinks/feels now better than she could before), and therefore we are different because the 2 pieces of "we" have changed.
When she first dropped the bomb I use to say that I want to go back to the way it was 4-5 years ago when it was good and working, but I told her the other day that I don't ever want to go back to the way it was 4-5 years ago and I'm never going to say that again. She asked why the change, and I said, look where that got us? I want to find a new, better path for us forward. I want a new M (to my W) built on a stronger foundation. All she said was, "I don't see how." I told her she doesn't need to see it right now, I see it. All she needs to do is give it time (going back to the canoe metaphor I posted last week).
"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly." The caterpillar of our M died when she dropped the bomb, and we're in the cocoon stage right now. Eventually we'll break out of the cocoon into a beautiful butterfly.
M36 W35 S8 S5 M11 T17 ILYB Bomb: 01/25/12 Still living in the same house, sharing the same bed, trying to make it better
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly."
