Brand New here, my story, my ?'s

[Ichrus]

Thank you for your reply 25, I have enjoyed reading your posts on the other threads as well.

Your reply was to one of my earlier posts and the response someone else gave, and a lot has happened since then (read my other updates above).

Have been doing some 180's and GAL for myself (working out more training for a mud run, much more patient/caring/and having fun times with our children, going out with my family and friends more socially).

I continue to work on myself, detach and be the best man I can be...I know that is all I can control and do right now. She has said many times she does not see any future for us and she feels she really needs to move on (I know from the rules not to believe anything said and only 50% of what I see). Her actions also are all toward moving on right now (OM still in picture, but I am not as focused on him, she is solidifying her support group of female friends/family for her upcoming separation, she is shopping for apartments and divorce info). I know anything can happen and change over time...but knowing my wife and seeing the whole picture, I just have a sense that she is going to need to at least move out on her own for awhile to sample some of the independence that she seems to want/need. I don't see that, or even D, as being the end of our story necessarily, she even at one point mentioned "who knows, maybe we will even get back together in the future", but I also know, and am preparing, to be able to move on and live my life on my own as well as I can. I am not giving up on us yet...but also am not waiting desperately for her to come to her senses or anything like that...as you said, life will show her the costs of her choices (as it is showing me the cost of mine).

"til she believes marriage to you can be better/different, she won't want to return.

So How are YOU showing her that it can be better and new?"
1)Being a much more engaged, loving, patient, appreciative father to our children
2)When she wants to talk, giving her my full attention and time, looking in her eyes, repeating back and clarifying points, offering encouragement and sometimes just listening and letting her vent without offering ideas of how to "fix-it"
3)GAL activities like connecting more with my family and some close friends on a social level outside of our R. Also working out more and training for a mud run we both signed up to do in June (will be interesting to see if we do it together or separately...but I will be doing it regardless)
4)Giving her space and time (not snooping or "checking in" on her, don't ask her questions about where she is going or anything like that), not getting into arguments over our M or R. No real mention of OM (some small backslides, but not too much), trying to keep things as light and non threatening at home as I can.

Part of the problem is her love language is quality time and maybe 2nd affection/physical touch. Right now she does not want me to provide any of that toward her.

I know she will not come back til she believes things can be different and better...she does not believe that yet, and continues to make it clear in her words and actions. She does not want to work on the M, she said/feels she is done with it and needs this step for herself.

I know OM is symptom and not cause of our problems...but she also said before that she could not "give him up because she finally found someone who really loves and cares about her and treats her as she needs to be treated, and she is afraid to loose him". I also know she will have to work out on her own and make her own choices as to her continued relationship with him...and while he is in the picture, there is no chance she will even consider building any kind of new R with me.

So I wait to see how things go. I continue to GAL and I guess prepare myself for any road that might come to me. As to DB efforts, I guess I am dim to dark at this point...can't fully disengage because we still live together and have to co-parent, but after kids are in bed we kind of do our own things. We will sometimes eat or watch tv together, but she has a hard time right now even being around me for some reason (almost panic attacks, has pressure/trouble breathing) from us just sitting together alone (I am not saying or doing anything, it almost seems like she just works herself up over some expected fight or talk based on our previous fights...even when I have said and shown her that I am not going to talk or attack her over any R/M stuff anymore, and she acknowledged that).

I hate the thought of it, but I almost feel she also needs to at least move out, make her own choices, and gain a different perspective on everything, while having life teach her about the costs of her decisions. Right now she is set on her course, and I am not standing in her way, and I will not be helping her along with this...but we both agree and are going to try to do the best we can to protect the kids through this mess.