Brand New here, my story, my ?'s

[25yearsmlc]

First off - you can't blame yourself for your W indiscretions. The encouraging stuff with flirting and texting is strange, but at the end of the day, she made those choices alone.


no she didn't. HE encouraged and created it.

Secondly - counselors are important if you want to save the marriage. If you didn't like the first one, go to a different one. If you don't like them either, find a new one. Don't stop trying to find the right one.

Onto your DB Qs... I don't know much about the GAL in your situation... maybe try GAL with activities that she'd enjoy too. Get a bbsitter, take a salsa class. Whatever.


GAL is for YOU ALONE, not for her. Those together activities mentioned might be great 180s to spend more time with her and give her love in HER Love language. BUT GAL is about YOU moving forward growing as a person

being less predictable and building a life for yourself so you bring more to the table and so you obsess less and grow more.


The OM - if you're NOT okay with her having an affair, I'd say push for NC. If she's serious about saving the marriage, she can't have a backup.


if you issue an ultimatum (which plays right into her image of you being too controlling), chances are she won't choose you.

AND btw It's NOT a DB thing to do--except in the rarest of circumstances, so read up on that before you take a chance on not being her choice.

Be the better choice and stop thinking about OM. He's a symptom of a marriage in which your wife felt neglected and hurt and lonely.

Deal with that, and try very hard to detach from him.

He's not worth your time or energy - especially when you can spend that energy on becoming a man only a fool would leave.


They work together, right? Are you going to ask her to quit her job? If not. Ask for NC and transparency. If she must have contact with him for work purposes, have her share them with you so you know its over. phone too! She needs to be transparent with that too. If she's going out with friends, you need to know where and who with and how to reach her. It's inconvenient, but that is what happens when you break trust.


I don't think she's anywhere near ready for this^^^ and again it plays into the controlling aspects she dislikes in you that YOU agree must change.

(Also, though she will need to regain your trust, that goes both ways).

And don't get punitive under the guise of "boundary setting" or "teaching her a lesson." Too many LBSers do that and what they are really doing is wanting to punish no matter what they tell themselves.

As my DB coach said, "it's not the spouse's job to show them the consequences of their choices, LIFE does that."

IF the time comes when SHE truly wants the m to work AND if she believes your changes are real and lasting---

then maybe these "conditions" will apply. Unfortunately you are not in a position to make her do anything. She's not sure she wants to be married so...let's get to a place where she is by showing her the new way the marriage could be better.


also, no woman is unmoved by the loving interaction between her children and their father. Be the best dad you can be NOW more than ever. It's a turn on, and it's the right thing to do anyhow.


Phone therapy - no prep work needed. Make the call and set up the appointment.

Marriage is a PARTNERSHIP. I know you've both made mistakes but there is still hope if you BOTH are willing to put in the hard work to put the pieces back together.

til she believes marriage to you can be better/different, she won't want to return.

So How are YOU showing her that it can be better and new?