I'm up and 5:30 and see that my S13, with some help from his brothers did complete the cleanup task. Now I'm thinking about my W and how lost from it all she must be. This was the woman who focused her entire life on her boys and would have never in a million years been able to sleep through something like this. Things are seriously wrong.
I walking around the house and thinking how many enormous demands I have to handle as a single parent right now, and that if my kids weren't older how would I do what some of my fellow DB'ers go through with little kids. I'm thinking this is it, she's too far gone, or too far away in her sitch that I've got to make a big decision sooner than later.
I see her finally come downstairs and I say wow, that was unexpected. She looks at me and says "my pinochio got broken, I've had it since I was 13", and shows me this savagely broken up pinochio. I'm thinking, this is insane. This is it. I've got to do something big or we'll never get out of this hole that's been dug, and I can't let my S13 risk what could have happened if the party had taken the wrong turn. I'm thinking we're in big trouble here and maybe she needs to deal with this in a different environment or way. The she starts talking about everything she's going through and I just sit and listen to her for about 2 1/2 hrs. I end up thinking that she has awareness enough of the issues and their effects, but then gets lost in the emotional turmoil of it all, and just can't handle it. She still in her weaker moments, evades, runs, blames. She's telling me that the more she uncovers about herself, the more she has been falling apart, and by facing it she feels like she's physically ready to drop and is in constant stress induced pain.
She tells me she has nothing in the tank to meet her responsibilites, and then guilt drives her further into a hellhole. She reiterates that she doesnt know who or what she is because she's been living a lie her whole life and wants to make sure she goes forward without any of the selfdeceptions and self illsuions she herself created. She says she cant stand that she's killing me, the kids, the family but has no choice but to go through this. She says she needs to figure out how to live as an adult in this world and learn to do everything she never learned to do with me, that I took care of everything. So she's in this dilemma in that if we work together on anything or I help her then she feels like she's less likely to get it on her own. She the says she also feels awful that she has pulled away so far, but has no idea of how she will get there and not destroy everything in the meantime. I tell her that I'm not sure how to handle it either. When I let her go completely she freaks out and thinks we have nothing together anymore and we should end it, however she knows she isn't sure of who she is or how our M will be in a new environment. She keeps bringing up the past, the things that made her feel bad. I say to her that I can understand looking at the past as a tool to uncover issues and move beyond them but if she's going to continually judge our M by that then yeah, we're cooked, however if you can use these past events as a means to a better you and us then what the hell, that could be really good. She tells me she was like a daughter and I was like a father type all along. I tell her that I dont and never wanted that, I want a partners, an equal. She tells me she can look forward without saddling us with the past to define us now, but that she is so devastated right now she has no idea who or what she will become.
Guys...I welcome the aliens to take over my brain if it means some much needed rest! Prayer and patience is what I got as my gamer weapons at the moment.
