Brand New here, my story, my ?'s

[Ichrus]

Feeling down and having a hard time being detached or staying off the roller coaster today.

Had a really good 2nd IC session last Fri. He knows of MWD and thought my approach and trying to work on myself was really good. I get a sense he is more interested in helping me prepare for potential separation/D, but he had good points about my efforts and observations of my W and her reactions (thought the "confusion" stuff I mentioned before were good signs, but also said it sounds like she is really fighting and crying out for independence...and I agree). So I felt really good, detached, happy to be working on myself, more prepared for whatever roads might be ahead.

Then Sat. my W talks about how she might be able to start working full time now and is considering it, and she has been looking at divorce papers online and talking to an old High School friend of both of ours (who is going through D himself) and wants my opinion on how we should move forward. I have to say it really shook me and and set me back...I think I handled it ok, saying I was not really ready to look at that stuff, but if she wanted to put together her plan, I would go over it with her and get back to her with my thoughts. I guess I was mini bombed because the "working plan" has been we stick it out till summer when a move will have less impact on our kids and my W will start working full time come Aug, and this just felt like she was in a hurry to get things done and going now. She made it more clear the next day that she was not looking to file or anything right away, just looking at the options and learning what needs to be done. I don't know if my response was good or bad, but I did say that when she chooses to file for D, I would expect she would consider moving out then as well because why would she want to live in the same house when she takes that next big step. She has a viable option to live with her mom like 5 mins from our house in the short term, and even talked about getting a place early and paying on CC for a few months (won't be my CC's). I just don't know, are there any general thoughts on living together in the same house after D papers are filed?. My initial response was a bit knee jerk, and I might soften on it, but I just don't know yet.

I retold her that I don't want this and think it is the wrong decision, but I know she needs to make her own choices and do what she needs to do, I will not stand in her way or throw up roadblocks for nothing, but I also would not be actively helping her with this process. She seemed frustrated but somewhat understanding, her main point/complaint is that I handled all the financial stuff and she is worried she will mess something up with that. I have already given her a cheat sheet with all our info, accounts, how to access them, what they are for, etc. and told her to use that and do her best and I would look over anything she puts together. Also gave her the start of a simple budget with key areas filled in and info on some of the other monthly costs she will need to consider on her own and I think the reality of being on her own, cost of rent, food, her half of the CC bills, etc. is starting to hit her a bit too. I don't think this is really controlling of me (one of my fix-it items) because she does need to know and learn this info, and I want her to be able to take care of this on her own when she is on her own (because it will effect my kids as well). I am trying to get her access, all the info and the very basics of where she can start to learn and think about this stuff on her own and letting her go at it on her own.

I am fairly confident that my W is set on her course and we will be separated or D within the next 6 months. I believe she really does feel that she needs to get out on her own and have some independence, make more choices for herself, live her own life a bit and try to find or create her own happiness (perhaps with OM). I see and hear her gathering her support from friends and family (which is good for her in a way, but I also think it makes it near impossible for her to back off from her course, even if she wanted to for some reason, because the expectation is now out there). I know I need to keep working on myself for myself, I need to really just prepare for life down this road and becoming more of the person I want to be. GAL and detaching continue, but are hard. I know anything can happen over time and one of the rules is to never really give up, but right now it seems the only hope for us building a new R/M will be after she has a chance to leave and find herself a bit more.

Came home last night from a day and half long business trip, W had kids for two days on her own. Got to hug my girls and help put them to bed. W was so closed off and cold...I mean I wasn't expecting a warm welcome or anything, but she couldn't even look at me for some reason, gave a few short, curt replies and basically stayed away from me all night...I gave her space, just asked her once if she was ok and left her alone the rest of the night. Trying not to read too much into it, but it does make me wonder what is going on because this is something different. Though there has been a lot of tension and stress between us, we have been able to talk and just have normal conversations about the kids or house stuff or family news...this hard core shut down worries me for some reason. I will have to see how tonight goes and play it by ear...not looking to push any issues, but feel like I am getting dragged back on to the roller-coaster a bit (must stay off this ride...especially when it is going downhill again)