Specifics, please! Can't afford telephone consult!

[25yearsmlc]

Hi PTC,

a quick suggestion for posting would be to break it up into small paragraphs so it's easier to read.

25yrsMLC...so what do I believe? The stuff he was saying before the MLC or during. That is what is confusing me. He is definitely doing a 180.

how is HE doing a 180? As for your own personal issues, ask yourself what you THINK is valid, and tell us what he said both times...

so are you wondering if this is MLC? It is a pattern so MLC isn't the term that I'd use. PERHAPS it's symptomatic of intermittent depression but if you spend all your energy "diagnosing" him, you take the focus off the one person/variable in this that you DO control...which is YOU. You simply MUST grasp this....most of your post is about HIM and what you think he's doing/planning/feeling.

My own personal regret in my sitch was how much time I spent and WASTED on that same thing. Why my h was doing what he was doing, what he was thinking/feeling or planning. INSTEAD

I could have spent that time and energy on creating a new better ME and better life and future for myself and my children. Not on what I could not control. Besides, I'm convinced I'll never understand why my h had his crisis and obsession about living on the tundra at all costs or how he could put & keep the blinders on so long. So I don't spend ANY energy wondering about something he himself probably doesn't grasp.



I love this man dearly, probably too much.

interesting ^^^^comment/insight. What does this mean &

how has that fact hurt your m?

I think I lost myself to parenting my children in his absence all these years and stopped being ME. In MC after he moved out the first time and before he moved out the 2nd,

what, if anything, did YOU or HE CHANGE after the first sep and or, after the second separation? Far too many people "reconcile" but find themselves in the same position (but older) not too long after, b/c they really did NOT learn and grow from the first crisis. There was no change so that "definition of insanity" came into play; i.e., repeating the same behavior but expecting different results.

Learn from this and the prior separations. Be a better stronger different YOU-- so that you get a little back AND more importantly, so you don't find yourself here ever again. It'll help YOU and your cause to take the focus off of him and put it onto YOU....you are the one posting here and we can do nothing for or about him.


they told us we had a long history, we were very attached to one another and that we obviously cared about one another and that if he "really" wanted to be gone he would be but that he was here trying....found out he was lying to them about OW. So what to believe.

IF he was lying while IN Marriage counselling, that negates a helluva lot of what the mc said. Their insights were not valid, to me, b/c they are based on lies and omissions. So let's believe the truth, not their inadequately formed opinions, and even if you see their opinions as valid,

they don't say he won't repeat this behavior.

They say "he hadn't left yet and there's love between you two." I don't doubt he loves you. But he has at least a 2 yeaar pattern of cheating...

whether it's depression, and or a character flaw, is not relevant to ME
b/c

it's now a pattern he's Not showing any signs of changing.

Can you handle an open marriage? Most people can't.

And in truth, he's not asking for one either.



He thought was I was too "emotinally needy" at the end of a 6-day trip when he would come hom and maybe i would be "better off married to a 9-5 guy." I cried (should have read DB after he came back the first time)

not sure when this^^^ happened. Two things struck me as important. First, you did not read the DB books and so I am guessing you took him back and he returned....but neither of you had changed the dynamic in the marriage. Bummer b/c, here we are.

Second, he said you were too needy. If you "did" everything for him and the family, so that all he had to do was show up to work and come home, that means he was a taker, and yet that you somehow showed him needs he felt uncomfortable with or burdened by.

What do YOU think HE meant? If it was valid, Have you worked on this issue in you? Also, I want to repeat this question--what is YOUR love language and what is his?

(IF you don't know what I mean, there's a book I suggest ALL couples read, called "The Five Love Languages" and in it, we often discover that how WE SHOW love may not be how our spouses receive it.

My h's love language is physical touch and words of affirmation but the way I usually give love is by acts of service and that's what I want back.

So we've each had to make adjustments in how we give and receive love b/c hey, who wants to reject or ignore love when it's sent - just b/c it's not wrapped in the right way?

Then again, if you are not expressing your love in a way he gets, then his love tank may be empty...and then, there's YOUR love tank. When was the last time yours was full?

Do you think you were insecure b/c he left-- and your instincts were right, OR did you create problems with insecurity and not feeling appreciated?



because I handle everything in our lives..I was pregnant and delivered our first son by myself on a 6-month deployment. I feel quite capable. Probably too capable?

but HE says you were too "emotionally needy". Is that a lie? Seems there's a disconnect here.

He comes and goes with such regularity it is hard to vacilate from needy wifey to independent single parent and when he is home he is tired and has all the household stuff to do that falls into his purview.

so you don't actually "do everything"? That's not a croticism, but a question.

And why would you ever want to be a "needy wifey"? Why not stay independent while letting him feel welcome in the home?

As a military veteran/wife, I am familiar with the absentee h who returns and gives orders a bit too quickly after we've done just fine without him,

(or not so fine but hey, we DID ultimately manage w/o him).

No one likes getting bossed around the minute the returning spouse walks in and change where the artwork is hung, or comments on something that sounds negative or controlling. Always takes adjustment time, as all deploying soldiers are reminded.


IC says he is depressed and blaming me and to keep on keeping on with routine i have established years ago.

do these ^^^guesses or observations re your h, help you move forward?

I'm more interested in what YOUR IC says about you...see, you keep making this about him & 'why' 'why' 'why'? Don't!

It keeps you spinning your wheels. So, Back to YOU now--

I am so confused. When I ask him, he refuses to talk about it. I don't ask often. I don't take the temperature of our relationship...i do know that! Sunday he announced he was moving out....hung out together all week like nothing was wrong, went to trivia night, rented a movie, golf cart ride, played Rock Band,

worked on budget, enjoyed candlelit dinners and dinner with son and then Friday he says "you know I am still leaving" and he "guessed he confused us" but "we had a nice time and I fixed stuff around the house."


to him it's easier to act as if all is well & her's a good guy,--- "but you two" are no longer "working as a couple", "grew apart", blah blah blah...Plus it convinces him that he's only changing partners and no other byproduct of his actions will occur when he's gone.

I am NOT suggesting you "teach him a lesson" b/c that's not a spouse's job. And LIFE does that for them.

but don't protect him from them either...

And it is usually better for the WAS to not be abusive or mean -of course- but as you've discovered, it can also be confusing. Til if & when he retracts AND CHANGES, you must assume he's still going.

In my situation, I made far too many assumptions based on "kindness/fun" by h & would've made different choices if I'd had my eyes open & didn't let false hope blur my vision. I regret that. It cost us a fortune & maybe a lot of pain could've been avoided if I'd seen the truth earlier. Might have sped things up.


I was not begging, pleading, anything. I told him Tuesday of that same week that if he needed to go I understood and that I did not want to be lied to and cheated on. Tuesday! Later that day he asked me to hang out. We worked on our budget all week, getting reading for taxes and FASFA for our S18, and he NEVER mentioned the money he would need to move out. That has become an evil monster - needs more after each trip. So, please tell me what it is you think I could do/change.


I don't know how you act around him so it's hard to advise specifically, but I would start by being a lot less predictable. A bit of mystery is almost always a good idea.


He has texted me a few times (took S16 skiing out West to see his parents..when I called them to talk to S16 who was asleep his Mom asked how I was doing and she said "he is going through a MLC" and "at least there is not another woman involved" and that H said "hopefully we can reconcile." Okay, do I believe ANY of that.

you don't believe that^^^^ b/c it's not true!...and it's a label FAR TOO MANY people love to use. I don't think MLCs are more likely to return, btw.

One reason the label is used is to deflect from selfish choices & character flaws (as your h is) and to avoid real work on ourselves, as I think you both may be doing. He'd rather blame a "phase" than himself, for engaging in long term deceit & adultery, and you want to believe he''ll "snap out of it" if you wait long enough. RIght or wrong, Neither of those beliefs helps your cause.

Please, If you learn nothing else from this ordeal, learn these 2 things:
1) you really do CONTROL ONLY YOU

and

2) the real journey in life is an inward one.

Dig deep.


He did not tell his Mom the truth and he is not ACTING like he hopes we reconcile.

correct! I think we can agree he's not an emotionally brave guy.

Anyway....I drove up to our lake house ----very surprised I was staying by myself (family lives about an hour away). So victory on that 180!!!


Good. Max out on those^^^!!

I have been journalling like mad since I arrived and thoroughly enjoying myself and have heard from him only once with pics of S16 snowboarding. No mention of money or anything else from last phone conversation last week. So I am just leaving it at that.

It's crucial you protect yourself legally/financially. It's not as if you have not been warned.

and fwiw, I filed for a sep b/c I honestly feared my h would mortgage our home to "invest" with his heroes in Alaska. So a few years pass and we're here and h blurts out that he is glad "WE did not mortgage our house for those guys", as if he really does not recall it was MY FILING that prevented it.

(Nope, I did not bring it up.Sometimes the most loving thing to say is nothing.) But it tells me again, I did the right thing by me and the kids

AND it turns out I did right by h too. Ironic.




He is solid GONE. He did go into the house on Friday when they did not get on the flight (standby passengers) and stayed in S18's room. I asked him not to go in the house but he said he "wouldn't be denied access" so do I change the locks when I get home? Really feel like it would escalate things. Follow my gut, right? Help!!!!!

what does your L tell you? Although I'm a L myself, my "advice" is to see one. Ask them. And as painful as this is to hear, know that statistically men put much much more thought into leaving AND into the financial aspects

than their wives knew or expected. It doesn't mean he's accurate but I'd bet a lot that he HAS planned this and is hiding assets or thinks he'll get way more than he will. I know my h did.

I was glad he saw a L. Why? So he knew I wasn't lying and he knew the real costs of a divorce. If money was a problem before, it was a bigger one if we divorced. Same for you.

Don't worry that he'd come back "only" for the money. Who cares why they return, IF and only if, the work is really done?

If you do reconcile I'll assume you get real counselling and you both change the way you interact and commit, and he'll do the work to regain your trust.

Without that work and rebuilding the trust, would you want this marriage?

Meaning, if he returns with his tail between his legs but doesn't really "get it", AND isn't motivated to improve the marriage so much as prolong it,

would that be enough for you?

You SAY you don't want lying and cheating in the marriage.

but you have tolerated it for at least 2 years.

What does that tell him? What does it mean?