For the first time since this began, I finally know the ball is in my court. I am the one in control of what happens next in my life. This isn’t about my ex anymore, it’s about me and my life. I want to live and I refuse to settle for someone that doesn’t treat me the same way I would treat them. She is still trying to blame all of her problems on everyone else, even her friends. I haven’t heard a word from her in about a week and I just keep on living and trying to make the best for me and my girls. I have thought for a while that I didn’t want to be the person that just gave up hope and walked away. I felt it was like walking away from a special needs child and how awful that would make me feel? Then I thought, why should I punish myself waiting on someone that may never figure any of this stuff out in life? They have a fully functional brain and to justify the things they are doing is downright mean. I am patient and I am not looking to replace my ex or jump back out in the dating world. I am going to kick rocks for a while (thanks Grace I couldn’t have said that better), that doesn’t mean that I should keep passing on every opportunity in life. I am divorced that wasn’t my choice. I know what I want and I refuse to settle for anything less. I feel I have done everything I could to show her that I deserve to be treated better. I don’t even care what she chooses, I am just removing myself from the whole situation. If at some point down the road I actually can see a change in her behavior, I might consider something different. Right now I just can’t help anyone that refuses to help themselves. This has taken me a long time to get to this point and I blame myself for not seeing this sooner. I knew all along I was supposed to learn something from this. I learned to value myself and never settle for someone purposely hurting you to make them feel better. Life is short and we all should be treated with respect.
I don’t need someone to make me happy, I am happy all the time. We all have low points in life, you just pick yourself up and live. I hit rock bottom over a year ago and I didn’t like myself back then. You get out of life or love whatever you put in it to make it grow. I have so much to offer and I feel it inside me growing every day. I think you really can’t begin to appreciate life until you have been really heartbroken. None of this is my fault, heck I am getting older every single day. I have accepted that I am getting older. My looks are fading with time and you know what, that’s life. All of us are changing by the minute. I am proud of the man I now see in the mirror.
I have two daughters and a grandchild that love me unconditionally and that’s all I care about in life at this point. I can stand on my own two feet and make anything happen I want in life. I am in control of myself. I am the rock for those girls. They need me to step up and show them how life should be lived. Have I done this all along? Nope. I let my fears control me for a long time. I know I am still a work in progress and your work is never done.
I have made plenty of mistakes on my journey. If a person doesn’t make mistakes, they are not being true to that person looking back in the mirror. I have lived and learned and those lessons stick with us forever. That saying on here that “time is our friend” is a gift that you never really see coming. Time makes everything come into perspective, the pain loses its controlling grip and a sense of relief starts setting us up to succeed. That is the best way to explain how I feel right now. Did I save anything through this whole process? Myself! That is the most important part of this journey.
Thanks for following my journey. It’s never over and you are the one that controls the direction you go in life.
Me 44 W 38 M 18 D 18 D 13 Bomb 10/21/2010 Divorced 7/19/2011 Just getting to the 7th inning!
