Detached, but not Broken-a diary of a LRT

[Broken74]

Broken's quote o'the day: (ironically this is my favorite quote ever lol)

"Choose your life's mate carefully, from this one decision will come 90 percent of all your happiness or misery."
--H.Jackson Brown Jr.

Thanks cat04,

I appreciate your feedback and questions. Today is going to be a tough day, I met her face to face for the first time three years ago to the day. Had our first date at the Natural Science Center, somewhere we could move around, do some fun activities together, it was a great time and a great date. I knew that day I would have a special relationship with that woman. I have marked this day two times before, but won't be doing so today... <sigh>

I am feeling a lot differently cat, reason being for the most part that I think I am finally detached. I'm to the point I don't care what she's doing, where she is, or what or whom she's doing for that matter. I'm GAL or "doing me" as I like to call it. I will admit that anger helped in getting me to this point, all I know is I'm glad I'm here. I am trying not to be resentful because it gets me nowhere. The past is what it is and I can't change that. The only thing I have control of is my actions today.

Letting go of the past... I've framed it for myself like this. Take someone who gets plowed by a truck into a tree an paralyzed for life. They have two choices, get over it and move on with life as best they can, or give up with the woe is me attitude. In the grand scheme of things I've determined I need to stop b*tching and feeling sorry for myself and playing the victim role. Much worse things have happened to much better people. In the grand scheme my sitch although dramatic, if it ends up in divorce not a lot of shrapnel will fly going forward. I feel bad for my stepchildren, but this is their mothers decision to put them through this type of turmoil for the second time in their lives, not mine. Letting go of the past for me means looking forward and not looking back. As far as the A, I have no idea how many guys she had been with prior to our R. And she swears the A was never physical anyway, even if it was why do I care? Stuff happens. I agree it's not like "poof" it's gone, but I'm trying to think about other things, my future namely, and just not thinking about the negatives of the past, or the positives for that matter.

Although my statements in prior thread don't sound like forgiveness, I have forgiven my W for her contributions to our downfall. If she eventually gets to a point where she would like to work on our R I will only look forward and not look back. If she chooses to move on with divorce, I will do the same thing, only look forward and not look back, and hope she has a happy life. Forgiveness to me also includes forgetting, that is what I am still working to do now. As you said it is one thing to say it, it is actually another thing to feel it.

Unconditional love to me is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you. Those are not my words but I don't know who said them, but they are in my thought notebook and ring true to me. That is what I am practicing now, her life is her own, totally autonomous of me. Although she kicked me out of her life, I still love her and would do anything for her at anytime. That is unconditional love for me.

As I have time I am going to forward read up on Mach1, 25yrsmlc, and cat04's post as I can see that you folks have a lot of experience in this area. I am only 6 months into this ordeal but am I happy that at least I have my bearings now, largely in part the help of the kind souls on this board.

What kind of man do I want to be? That's the question of the day I guess. I want to be the man only a fool would leave, the man I was three years ago today who started the process of sweeping my W off her feet, with some minor changes.

I want to be HONEST with myself and others, all of the time. When first dealing with women it is too easy to put a front to immediately "be the man they want". I did this with my W and it ended up causing problems down the road. If I had been HONEST with myself, I probably wouldn't have taken the decision to marry a woman with 3 children and 2 deadbeat dads so lightly.

I want to be FAITHFUL to the woman I am in a R with. I was in a bad place when I met my W, on a womanizing tear to help boost my self esteem, not the way to do it and that also cost me dearly, including the trust that my W had in me at the time, that seemingly never was recovered.

I'm going to continue to be SOBER because my alchololism I believe is ultimately what landed me here. If I would not have been drinking, I would never have verbally abused my wife.

I am not going to LEAD WITH "STUFF" in my future relationships. It is all to easy to try and impress a woman with things, and 90% of the time it works. I want the next woman I am in a relationship with to love me for me, not for other things that I may be able to bring to the table.

Hmmmm as far as significant changes I think those are the major ones. My W and any other woman would attest that I am very kind, gentle, loving, generous, tender-hearted man. That is unless a bottle was involved. I am glad to moving forward in my life as far as that particular problem is concerned. And I hope I can keep my other positive traits going forward.

Thanks again for your feedback cat04, it's greatly appreciated.

Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!