I'm doing fairly well overall. I've been utilizing the 180 list. Since I've been focused on it I've been able to, in a way, detach myself from it and look at the situation as someone observing it. I realize that my W's actions and who she is right now really isn't the person I feel in love with and married. She obviously needs the space to find herself again. I've been working out and that really helps to get the "garbage" out. Focusing on our son and making sure things are as normal as they can be for him. I've purchased a few books that I'm starting to read....the wounded heart, and two by mwd. Overall, I'm at peace with it and focused on healing my heart for right now. Your responses, along with the other kind people who have posted really have helped. I can express myself, ask questions, and read about what's working for others and how to handle this situation. Had 7 solid days and looking forward to the 8th day being the same. Positive, practicing the 180's and working to understand.
What has been difficult is dealing with the roller coaster of emotions the W keeps throwing my way. Some days it's that the W is missing me, the next the W seems angry, the next is can almost be described as clingy. Sticking to the 180 list though and it really seems to be working. Just hate not knowing what tomorrow is going to bring or even what things will be like next month. I have to learn to not focus on that.
WA, Your thread struck a chord with me. My W had a similar series of experiences that occurred to her when she was 12 to 15. It never came out in my threads. We never spoke about it although it was alluded to a few times in our M. The truth and extent came to light recently from other family.
Throughout the course of our drama I have been cast in the role of abuser. I have had difficulty understanding the degree of vehemence this entailed until recently. Although I share in the demise I do not believe I deserve the abuse.
I have been cast as the abuser, and as there is no one else to rail against I receive the full measure of her fury. I thought to completely remove myself would provide a modicum of peace and permit her anger to burn out. We went very dark with each other. Your experience may vary should you decide to do this, but I do not advise severing ties completely as after a year and a half she is only now as the D is about 30 days away beginning to soften her anger. In my opinion this has more to do with her perception of light at the end of her D tunnel than anything else.
I suggest staying involved by being the best father you can be. Your child is your connection. Never ever use him as a lever or wedge. Just show (actions) you are a great parent. Gain peace of mind through understanding of what may be driving her actions. Do the homework Cadet and Grit have suggested and GAL, GAL with your child whenever possible.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
and as there is no one else to rail against I receive the full measure of her fury.
Many times I have attempted to explain this as we speak. If you were to meet my W you would think that she is soft spoken, kind, and wonderful. But when it's just us does the fury every come out from time to time.
I think part of the time I attempt to pass off all of the issues as stemming from the abuse, but I realize that I have ownership of some of the problems to. I appreciate the advise of not severing ties completely. I honestly believe that our M isn't broken beyond repair, but she has to find herself again and realize that she is a beautiful, wonderful woman who is no longer the victim, but a survivor.
I do find myself angry at times with how she is handling the situation with our S. The last 10 days it is almost as if she could care less to be with him. He is missing his Mom. Truthfully I do more than most H's around the house and with our S. She has been upset thinking that the dog, our S, and I no longer need her and that we don't even miss her. I'll take any advice on how to handle that one.
Well we've had a pretty good 2 weeks now. I must admit though that at times I just get really upset with the W. She really hasn't spent anytime with our S and it's starting to impact him. I guess that I just want things to be normal again and want to focus on what we can do to improve our relationship. But it is a one way street at this time. I purchased the five love languages and DB. I just ordered the DR as they didn't have it in stock at the local bookstore. Oh and The Wounded Heart too. I hope that by educating myself it will make it easier because today has been pretty tough so far. Just overwhelmed emotionally. I guess it builds up. I'll try to post more thoughts on here as they enter to hopefully help to keep me from having a morning where I'd just like to cry for a while...
Lost, accept that you will have those mornings. Understand they will not last.
Researching causes for her behavior, my part in my sitch, self-help books and exercises, physical exercise, posting and reading what others posted, were all part of what got me through.
I experienced the most traction from acknowledging my part to me and working to improve myself, prayer, and physical exercise. Your mileage may vary.
It can seem overwhelming. When it does handle it like anything else. Break it up into smaller bits and take em on one at a time.
You cannot control what your W does or how she spends her time. Try to let go of the anger. You cannot compensate your son for her inattentiveness.
You can be a steady safe harbor he can count on. You can be a positive example of how to handle adversity. You can show him how a father loves his son
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Most of the time and with almost everyone in her life she will never actually say what she is really thinking or what her opinion may be. I really try to listen and to decipher what her actual thoughts are on a particular topic and pick up on the subtle clues that she'll drop over the course of days sometimes. I've had situations in the past where I may have missed one particular sentence and then she will bring it up over 6 months later when everything builds and she explodes. It's difficult when you have to be so cautious all day every day because I have to be sensitive to her situation, sometimes I would just like to be able to be "myself" and if I was out of order she could "reel me in". Not sure if that makes sense and I'm surely not saying it to be ignorant.
The hard part is that as she has had these times where she was depressed in the past as I've talked about in earlier posts she did share a few of the problems I had. She thought my work hours were excessive; When I got home from work I would sometimes ignore her or be in a bad mood; that we didn't talk enough about our days and what was happening. Fortunately I'm in a position where I can manipulate my schedule and this had happened while I had just started in the new position (6-8 months in). I adjusted my schedule, reduced my hours to a very reasonable 45-50 hour work week and less during off-season periods. I then really focused on getting the stresses out from work on the way home. When I got home I would spend time talking and inquiring how her day was, helping with the house chores, and giving her some time to take care of her own things that she may like to do. After some time I had asked her if I have improved on the issues she pointed out and she was very positive on the change. That lead to a couple of good years in a row.
Leap to current day....now she believes that maybe I'm home too much, I ask too many questions about her work and what is happening, and that she needs the space but can't talk to me about any issues cause she holds them in. She even went as far to say that there things she is upset about from 13-15 years ago while we were dating. Dated for 5.5 years and married for 9.5 years now. She has said that I'm a great husband and that she realizes that and shouldn't really have any complaints. That I'm sensitive and help around the house and I'm a great father. I mean I do a lot I believe around the house...I do most of the cooking, almost all of the cleaning (dusting, windows, vacuuming, etc), I take care of the outside lawn care, pay the bills, am very active with our S (t-ball, basketball, soccer), class trips. My W usually takes care of the laundry and empties the dishwasher. I do all of those things out of love and for her and our S. I do so without any animosity.
So I guess that I'm the type of person that would like a roadmap of what I've done wrong so I can work on it.... but I'm not sure if it's even me. I can't get a peep out of her on what is bothering her this go around except for the things I worked on from the last round should be reverted back to the way they were 2 years ago. Something I'm unwilling to do because I think I had my priorities out of align because the most important thing in my life is my family. I realize though that I have to continue to self reflect and identify what I don't like about myself in the relationship and try to understand her internal sitch as well. As most if not all on this awesome website know....it is darn hard....
Thanks TG...Right now I'm in the middle of the Insanity workout. 45 days in and feeling really good. Not too mention I've dropped 25 pounds and lost about 2" around my waste. That feels great. I've signed up for a few races this spring and summer. One is the Spartan race that I'm really excited about. I played baseball for about 16 years and really miss the competitiveness of sports. So I'm looking forward to the races. I've been trying to turn the tv off and close the laptop screen so I can focus on reading and educating myself. I read the 180 list daily and I'm getting more "natural" at it I believe. Of course time is a bit sparse since the f/t job and being essentially a single parent right now. But I'll tell you what..our 5 year old S is such a blessing. The joy he brings daily keeps a smile on my face.
I read the other posts and you are right. He seems to be in about the same place. One thing you posted really hit home.....they aren't born with it, it's acted out by another sexual predator. I often wonder if that predator (in my case the W's uncle) understood and knew the impact it would have on the rest of the victims (my W) life would they still do it? Or do they know and is that part of the reason why they act out on the deviant behavior?
