Journaling. W left this morning to go on another out of state business trip. She will be back Fri nite. I helped her with her bags. She says put them in the back seat as the trunk is full. Well suspicion got the best of me and she had gone back inside to put her face on. So I checked the trunk. It is not full. There is some liquor in there though. My W is not a drinker. Sure she will have one while eating out or at a friends house. I have never seen her drunk. I have tried on aniversaries or b-days or date nite in the past to get her tipsy. She will nurse 1 drink for 2hrs. Well what alarms me is the bottle is near empty. Also there is a large bottle of wine. Not the gallon size but not regular size either. It is 3/4 full. I do feel bad about checking. But my hunch she was hiding something was correct.
I don't say anything. I close the lid. I am crushed. All these images go thru my mind. I can feel my pulse. Like my body twitches with each beat. I kinda get tunnel vision.
I gather myself and see her off. I smile and say be careful.
We have not touched in a couple weeks. I mean she backs against the wall when we meet in the hall. After we ML a few weeks back I tried to be more affectionate the next day. After reading sandi2's original stuff I realize I moved too fast. My W let me know that too. She gave me the evil eye when I tried to hug her the next day. I have since respected her and I too back against the wall. When she talks I listen, make eye contact, and say uh huh. That is the best part of our interaction now. It's not much but I am hanging on to something while trying to figure out if I can ever trust this b again. Which I DO NOT right now.
I understand my fault in this. She did the vast majority of the house work before we moved. And did a great job of it. My clothes were washed, dishes, floor, bathrooms, everything. I did the cooking and outside work but that was it really. She would ask for help but I was tired. I'll do it later. I would leave in the morning and sometimes forget something and come back in to get it without taking my boots off. (she insists on leaving your shoes at the door.) This would leave dried mud or the mixture of it and dew on the tile. I'd rush back out never noticing and she'd clean it up. Instead of always saying yes ooooh i like that when she'd buy herself some new clothes I'd give my honest opinion. Sometimes I liked them sometimes I didn't. But she always looked great. Thats all I should have said. Instead of thanking her for the many many things she did to love me, I would critisize her for the very few things that T'd me off. What a good woman I had. Bad thing is at the time I thought I was a good man. I came home every nite. I worked hard. I bought her gifts and did sweet things occasionaly. I told her I loved her every morning and every nite. But the every day me was just there. I should have loved her better.
I grew resentful because anytime we got in to it I always said I'm sorry first. That I was wrong and she was right. She holds a grudge. Stays mad for a few days after any altercation. Stays mad even after I say sorry. This is over SMALL stuff. I get over things quickly. After 10 minutes I am ready to make up. Not her. She wants to stay mad. So I kinda grew into her style. We would just stay mad for a few days. I'm not giving in. If she wants to be hard headed so can I. That sort of thing. She did say she's sorry once and she meant it. It was monumental. I felt high on the mountain. Why did I do that. I felt better when I tried to make up quickly even if she did not come around for a few days.
