Too Little Too Late.... part 7

[mimivac]

Hey, Purg, hope your first day at work was fabulous!

It can be so difficult to deal with a WAS who seems so unloving and angry at us -- I know just what you mean by "shark eyes." When I see those eyes on my H, all I want is for him to turn back into the "old H" -- the one I used to laugh and joke with, who understood me like no one else ever has. It scares me. But I do believe that it has much more to do with our S's own demons and struggles than it does with us. Putting on that mask is a way for them to cope, to deal with the pain and misery they are going through.

I've learned in therapy that when H gives me those vacant, angry eyes and that monotone, curt speech, it is almost always because he is in pain and afraid of my reaction to something he is doing or saying. It comes off as detachment and anger, but it's really misery. It could be that your H needs to put on that mask when he talks to you about the separation papers, because he just can't be emotional for his own sanity -- like he needs to steel himself to do what he thinks he needs to do. Maybe he also sees the changes in you and feels confused, which makes him angry because he thought he knew what was right and now he's stuck in uncertainty again. I just did a lot of interpreting, even though we all know that this usually doesn't do us any good. Purg, just chalk it up to your H's own demons and keep on keeping on. Don't let this derail you.

My own sitch is moving increasingly towards a formal separation, with my H wanting to rent his own place rather than stay with friends. I was in a bad place last night and you really helped with your book recommendations, so I want to thank you and hope I can do the same for you one day. Just remember that the bad feelings are normal and that they will pass. Just keep going, keep taking care of yourself, and continue your journey.

Mimi

PS. I can relate to your worry about who will be there for you if you should fall ill. I had cancer 3 years ago and I am sometimes paralyzed with fear thinking about what would happen should I have a recurrence and I am alone. But then I remember that I am not alone. I have friends and family and I can handle it. You can, too.