This is something I scraped and pasted from another thread that really helped me see reality and let go of the EA/PA part (I am not saying the whole post applies to you, only you will know for sure, but it is a good smack upside the head that I needed...
"Seriously your evidence of it getting physical is circumstantial at best.
You'll most likely never truly know, and you'll have to just live with that or move on.
As for all this rage that's not what being integrated is about. You are still having one gigantic victim puke. You worked so hard in your mind for this marriage, and she is not meeting her end of the bargain so you are in a rage.
Not being an NG is NOT about turning into a jerk. Ultimatums are still manipulative and completely futile if you can't follow through.
I don't recommend making any moves until you know for sure it's physical. If it's not physical yet, your actions will surely drive her to it.
You keep telling her, break it off or else!!
Let me save you some time, SHE WILL ALWAYS PICK ELSE
She'd drive off a cliff if it was between that and your M.
Your words are empty to her, all she sees is the manipulative person you are. The more you rage the better OM looks. He's prince charming, you're that jerk that pretends to be nice.
Sounds to me like the affair is as good as guaranteed. It's just a matter of time for it to get physical.
Don't you see that in many ways she is having this affair to spite you, to get back at you, and YES TO HURT YOU.
Why do you think she's so careless with letting you know about the EA. She wants you to know, either consciously or subconsciously.
Yes it sounds weak to leave it alone, and let her pursue it, but guess what you are powerless to stop it. You can only accelerate it. Fighting with her about it will only drive her to his arms.
By her latest actions, it's easy to tell she is in full WAW mode. She's ready to run. She WANTS to divorce. She's merely waiting for the right time"....."So what to do GAL, or in NMMNG terms learn how to meet your own needs. You are still clearly hurting, we get that really. You need to be at the point where you are happy with or without her. That's what being integrated is about. Meet your own needs, don't rely on her. Once you reach that you'll have the confidence needed to win her back, or any other woman for that matter.
You are actively competing with OM whether you like it or not. In time he will show his flaws. What are you doing to look good once he does?
This will take time, whether you wait it out is up to you. We will understand if you don't."
I read this about 1000 times at first so it really got in my monkey-mind...I still read it a few times a week to help me keep my SELF....
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
