Saw a glimpse of the old H, and I don't mean the good one.
H is texted me in the wee hours, woke me up (I use my phone as an alarm clock and keep it under my pillow) and got nasty with me because my response to being awakened at 2AM was 'whats up'.
The next day he called to talk to D, and was still in a foul mood. We had a pretty tense convo followed by an equally tense text exchange. I ended it by saying at least I know now what is real.
I just don't want to do this crap anymore! I am over the drama. I spent the afternoon feeling completely deflated, but I spoke with a friend who gave me a pep talk and brought me back mentally. My friend pointed out where I was overreacting, and where he was. Thank God for my friends, don't know what I would have done without them.
H called again later to tell D good night, and his mood had changed. He asked what I had meant by saying I knew what was 'real'. I told him I have had doubts about this turn of events from the onset, and that I didn't feel like he was ready to R. He said he thinks I am more 'done' than he realized.
He is correct.
He did some back pedaling at that point, but it was a fairly short convo. I think he's a little in shock by my attitude.
What I have learned from the past 9.5 craptastic months:
For those of you out there reading this who are looking for the magic bullet, it is exactly what others have said. You must legitimately be in a place where you can accept the fate of your M, realize that you WILL be ok no matter what, and honestly pursue your own life separate from your S.
I thought I could fake it, but the WAS are part bloodhound and they smell fear. It wasn't until I really hit that wall that he turned around. I still don't know what the outcome of this will be, but I'm ok with it either way. My hard head took longer to get here than most, I think.
I have learned lots, but I think that part took the longest to sink in.
