I may be the extreme case

[MajorHavoc]

This is an incredibly difficult post to write, so I'm going to get the hard part over with. I have anger issues, that I should have dealt with long ago but didn't. I get screaming, over the top angry. And sometimes, I get violent.

I've been on Cymbalta for 3 years and thought I had it under control. Evidently I wasn't as ok as I thought. I had only seen a GP, never any mental health person. Back in Sept I had another violent episode (I think I forgot to take the Cymbalta for a few days, but don't want to make excuses). This was evidently the last straw and and in the begining of Jan my wife said that was it.

It was a wakeup call in a lot of ways. She doesn't love me any more. I "beat the love out of her". I always thought of these as individual episodes we were working on, but now it appears this was just battered wife behavior. She was so scared of me she told me whatever she thought would keep her safe, and I was totally clueless, too wrapped up in whatever my own issues were and are. And guilt. Every episode just lead to weeks and months of guilt.

I will bet even her throwing me out wouldn't have woken me up, but one thing she said did. When she looks at me now, all she can see is me screaming at her. That hit home, because even though we have a decent relationship now, about half the time I'm talking to my father, I see his face as if it's screaming at me.

That night I didn't sleep, and finally decided I needed help. At this point only the fact that she was scared of me had penetrated, not that my marriage was actually over. I had an evaluation at a local mental health hospital. They have me seeing a therapist weekly, and a psychiatrist every 2-3 weeks. So far we're mainly working on anger management with the Therapist, and the psych is working on balancing medication.

Soon after the eval though it became plain that although she wanted me to get help, to be a father to our kids, she wanted me out of the house. She was scared me of. She was having panic attacks when I was in the house. So, I've been living my parents now for about a month.

I'm 42, W is 40. We've been married for 14 years, together for 20. We have two kids, S 11 and D 9, and a dog.

I'm a wreck. Realizing what I've been, what I've done, the physical damage I've done to the person I love, has been eating me away. I'm not sleeping, I'm waking up crying and shaking.

Meanwhile she can barely talk to me. When I've come to pick up the kids she's either been angry or ignoring me, though last night when I droped them off we had an almost normal conversation. Still, I have to drive a block away afterwards, pull over and do my crying.

I've read DB so far. Obviously, going to therapy is the big change for me right now.

I guess the first question I have is, am I in the right place ? I realize I'm the extreme case here. The book even mentions something like all but "extreme cases of violence". I hope I'm not the extreme case that is beyond hope.

At this point, my goal would be getting my wife to agree to some sort of joint counceling. Even that is a long shot right now.