GM, I'm here because of S11. I'm firm in that decision.
KD, my actions are NOT showing that I'm trying. My words are NOT telling him that I want to work on things. I've told him for some time that I'm doing my best to stay as far away from him as possible, that I don't want to do anything with him, that I don't enjoy his company, that he's mean to me and makes me feel bad about myself. The few 180's I am doing are just to get him to stop complaining about it (ie. engaging with my steps.)
This goes back to my distorted WAW position. I'm the one doing the GAL, the going dark, and suddenly H has noticed and wants to know where I've gone, why I'm not tailing around behind him like a lost puppy. But is that really any different than what a WAS is doing regardless of DB? I read so many times on this board, and in the books, that the LBS is only interested in the WAS after they've walked away. Suddenly, the LBS is willing to do anything and everything. Maybe it has nothing to do with DB. It certainly wasn't my initial motivation, as I had already reached that point before I even read the book, and H hasn't read the book yet either. Maybe it's just the dance that happens at the death of a marriage.
KD, I know he's trying. He would tell you he has been throughout our entire marriage. He just never succeeds. As Yoda would say, "You do or you don't, there is no 'try.'" As long as he can say he's 'trying,' then he can't be held liable, even if there's nothing tangible or measurable in his daily activities. He's one that would tell you he's trying to lose weight, but then doesn't exercise or change his eating habits. It's as if the thought of it is more than enough effort. So if he's trying to get to know me, but never succeeds, does it really matter? I'm still left with a completely unfulfilling marriage. It would be the equivalent of saying that I'm trying to work into my schedule a time for sex, but never actually showing up. My H would clearly have an issue with that, but I could just keep claiming that "I'm trying." Honestly, someone tell me, if this is how it really works, then I'm totally on board. If I can just make appeasing promises without ever having to deliver, and it then becomes his responsibility to be pleased and happy in our marriage, then sign me up!
If it's not this way, then I'm not sure how I can be expected to be pleased and happy either.
You asked be before, KD, if I wanted to save my marriage. My answer was yes. But I'd like to clarify. I have a vision of what marriage is supposed to be, and I just don't know if it's possible with him. And I don't have pie-in-the-sky ideals either, I'm way too practical for that. Like honesty...Is that really too much to ask? That your S won't look you in the eye and lie to your face to cover his tail? Or secretively contacting old GFs and reminiscing about how great life would have been if they had never broken up? Just to name a few.
Maybe I'm really just the textbook version of the WAW, but I'm still mourning the loss of my dream.
