You have come a long way in your journey to self-discovery. You've grown tremendously and you should be proud of it. You are a much better person now (not that you weren't a good person before) to yourself and to your kids. Eventually, your H will see that. He is fighting your changes. He wants to be right. He wants to justify his reasons.
You are probably right that he is mourning the "loss" of OW. It was not by choice and he is angry. His "plans" have fallen through and he needs to cope with it. Unfortunately, you are getting the grunt of his "coping". Don't take it personally. It is between your H and his emotions.
So sorry that you had a break down yesterday. You are allowed to have a good cry. In fact, I think we all NEED a good cry from time to time. You've been through A LOT lately, and while you have done an incredible and admirable job keeping your head high and acted calm and mature, you have lots of built up emotions.
I'm sorry that your H is still talking about separation papers. Maybe he hasn't hit rock bottom yet, and the papers will "help" him get there. He doesn't fully understand and see the effects of the separation. He comes and goes as he pleases.
Don't let the papers steer you off your course. It's a distraction, a test to see if your changes are real and are to stay. Keep your eyes on the goal. Your H is noticing the changes, but he is not yet willing to trust that there are here to stay.
Oh, I know those shark eyes too well. The eyes really bring out the fact that the WAS is "possessed", if you will. Your H is fighting with his demons and there is nothing we can do about it right now. It is a fight he has to do on his own.
Keep focusing on yourself and your kids! You are an amazing woman and mother, and an inspiration to many!
Btw, congrats on your new job! I hope your first day is going well!!
I hope your first day on the job is going well! (((Pur)))
M & H 25 T 9 D 7 S 4 Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me. Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out 2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other. 3-4-12 H moved back in. 3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
Thanks everyone!! 1st day was actually really good... I got there a little late after trying to get 2 kids and myself dressed, feed and out the door by 7:00 (something that I haven't done myself in over a year, let alone with 2 kids!) But my boss was totally chill about it. I've got a lot of work ahead of me to get this place in regulation shape (the previous director let it go to sh!t and they've lost a lot of clients because of it), but I'm up for the task!
Haven't heard from H all day. He usually would have called or text me to wish me luck on my first day... but he's not *my* H anymore (he's my H that's been abducted my aliens!)
I really like what nhmom said up there, and I hope she's right about some of it. Even though I logically know that H's crisis is about *him* not *me*, it's hard to not take it personally.... that's where my detaching efforts need to improve.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Hey, Purg, hope your first day at work was fabulous!
It can be so difficult to deal with a WAS who seems so unloving and angry at us -- I know just what you mean by "shark eyes." When I see those eyes on my H, all I want is for him to turn back into the "old H" -- the one I used to laugh and joke with, who understood me like no one else ever has. It scares me. But I do believe that it has much more to do with our S's own demons and struggles than it does with us. Putting on that mask is a way for them to cope, to deal with the pain and misery they are going through.
I've learned in therapy that when H gives me those vacant, angry eyes and that monotone, curt speech, it is almost always because he is in pain and afraid of my reaction to something he is doing or saying. It comes off as detachment and anger, but it's really misery. It could be that your H needs to put on that mask when he talks to you about the separation papers, because he just can't be emotional for his own sanity -- like he needs to steel himself to do what he thinks he needs to do. Maybe he also sees the changes in you and feels confused, which makes him angry because he thought he knew what was right and now he's stuck in uncertainty again. I just did a lot of interpreting, even though we all know that this usually doesn't do us any good. Purg, just chalk it up to your H's own demons and keep on keeping on. Don't let this derail you.
My own sitch is moving increasingly towards a formal separation, with my H wanting to rent his own place rather than stay with friends. I was in a bad place last night and you really helped with your book recommendations, so I want to thank you and hope I can do the same for you one day. Just remember that the bad feelings are normal and that they will pass. Just keep going, keep taking care of yourself, and continue your journey.
Mimi
PS. I can relate to your worry about who will be there for you if you should fall ill. I had cancer 3 years ago and I am sometimes paralyzed with fear thinking about what would happen should I have a recurrence and I am alone. But then I remember that I am not alone. I have friends and family and I can handle it. You can, too.
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Bklyn, I tried starting at 5:30 this morning... Gonna have to back or up to 5 this is all new for us b/c now I have to drop S6 at school instead of putting him on the bus at 8... Hopefully only a few more days of trying, and we'll be better. But I know that I'm going to bed extra early tonight!!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
I'm lucky if I get S3 to school at 9am n I shower the night before!! This will definitely occupy ur mornings. Personally that's when I get the most triggers so it's important to be super busy and distracted!
Enjoy the workload. That will also help! You're very fortunate to have found a job in this economy
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
this is all new for us b/c now I have to drop S6 at school instead of putting him on the bus at 8... Hopefully only a few more days of trying, and we'll be better. But I know that I'm going to bed extra early tonight!!