My Sitch/any better ideas than going dark?

[Broken74]

Hi 25yearsmlc,

Again, thanks sincerely for all the reading and feedback you did on my sitch, you really gave me a wake up call and I appreciate it. First things first, luckily this is my second marriage, not my third… If we don’t end up reconciling I’m highly confident there won’t be a third…

I get your point on DBin’g being a solution based approach. One of the things that I see is that I’m going to have to totally let go of the past. With the A that is going to be hard, but I see you’re right that will always be in the back of my mind if I don’t let it go. This is easier said than done, I saw all of their correspondence for well over a months time while I was in bed with my W at the same time. That was devastating. Regarding the background information provided on her, I was not trying to blame anything on her past, but the adversity in her life has certainly had an effect on her, I was just putting it out there as background.

I am extremely flawed. I went from a 300 pound jolly husband to a 175 pound womanizing prick in 3 years time. My first marriage was effectively sexless (my behavior certainly played into that), and my 1W ended up saying “if you want sex go find you a hot little number” or something to that effect. I’m my sick twisted mind, I said ok, and I did as to me I had the “green light”. Incredibly stupid I know. Then after this my 1W still wanted to reconcile the marriage, but I wanted to have nothing to do with it. Actually similar to the same situation I’m in now but reversed, karma is a %*@(@. After the first divorce was finalized I went on my “dating” spree which is when I met my current W. Selfish behavior on my part dating many women simultaneously. Ultimately while my W and I were dating exclusively it came out I was dating other women, that’s the first time our trust was broken. I am going to do significant work on empathizing on her point of view, it is clear I have not been successfully doing this. I didn’t propose to “prove I was going to be faithful”, but if I hadn’t proposed at the time I did I was going to lose her. I wanted to marry her, but the proposal was “forced” in a way because I felt I had no other choice if I wanted to keep her in my life.

Regarding the plastic surgery, she had mentioned desires for that in the early days of our dating. Having 3 kids by the age 23 had wreaked havoc on her body by her own admission. I didn’t say things negative about her body, however she made mention that the fact that I was dealing with other women than her affected her body image negatively. E.g. why was a sexually attracted to other women apparently she was not attractive enough etc. That honestly was not the case, I loved her body and sex as is, I was a just a selfish prick at the time… The reason I mention the financial aspects of this is that we made the decision as a TEAM although there weren’t married yet (we were 16 days later). But although we made the decision as a TEAM, as with all things financial I got stuck with the entire burden when she left.

I say her love language is receiving gifts because that’s what she said it was. We worked through the 5 love language books early on. Hers was receiving gifts and quality time and mine were physical touch and words of affirmation. She has been working, but frankly, nothing financial in the relationship would have happened if not for my actions. I did the things I did for her and them to try to make them happy. Perhaps there was some guilt involved, but I was always doing things to try and make them happy.

Upon rereading some of the stuff I have wrote I get a little squirrely on here. Not sure where I came up with the sounding like a dream come true statement that is kinda funny in retrospect lol

I’m not excusing any of my behaviors and I take responsibility for them. You’re right, somehow because of the things I did fiscally in our marriage, I think in my sick mind that somehow gave me the right to be a drunken verbally abusive prick. I think my alcoholism got the best of, and is ultimately put me here.

I see your point, honestly though, my wife and I have both been victims here, for different reasons. I realize I have to let that and everything go, and not look back. Thanks for pointing this out, portraying myself as a victim of any type doesn’t help anything.

You’re right about the stepchildren. I never fully opened up to them emotionally. We got along well and I never said or did anything negative toward them, but I did not aggressively try to build a loving relationship them as I should have. I played with them, went to practices and games, helped with homework, but I was always waiting for them to show me affection before I fully “opened up”. This was a mistake and I wish I would have opened up to them first… We continued to spend quality time together, the quality time we spent together when were dating was she and I, after we got married it was she, I , and the kids. The dynamic was certainly different.

Altercations is probably not the best word to use, arguments would have been a better word.

I’m not going to make any more statements about the A with the OM. That is going to be an circular path. No one can convince me that her behavior in this matter was appropriate in any way shape or form, regardless if I pushed her into his arms or not, we were MARRIED. When I say that I have forgiven her, I mean that. I have not brought up the OM to her since the last court date in October. The problem is getting over this in my own mind. If I will ever be able to do that only time will tell.

I’m not going to make more statements about the 50B either for the same reason. No one can convince me that anything about that was right. If I could provide access to that A communication, it is obvious what happened. She pulled that out of spite and to make sure that her housing was secure after her A was outed, period. Again, I have forgiven her for this, will I ever be able to forget? Highly unlikely

The drinking and verbal abuse stopped in August of last year when we separated, I have taken the kids to play tennis, basketball games, dinner. The time I have spent with them, and her prior to my sending the stupid text picture Valentines night were positive.

You asked about my 180’s, here is the specific list of things I have been working on.

1) I STOPPED drinking, period, end of story
2) Have done nothing but do nice things, say kind words, and express love and kindness towards my W and SC in recent memory.
3) Worked on my relationship with god
4) Volunteered in my community
5) Worked hard and maintained my career in spite of my personal life being in absolute shambles
6) Spent quality time with my family and friends
7) Attended, learned, and actively participated in domestic violence classes and learned that I had abusive tendencies in the past. I am wholeheartedly cured from this, and am still convinced if I had not been drinking none of this would have happened.
8) Read my bible and too many self help books to name.
9) Working out regularly and trying to eat right to get in top physical shape.
10) GAL

I’ve burned your formula into memory, thank you for it:
consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

I’m done giving gifts as well as you’re right that is counterproductive at this point even though they are her love language.

The “learn to let me miss you statement” was from January, hopefully I haven’t totally screwed that up and the ship has sailed. She has had 7 days to miss me and I haven’t heard a word from her or my stepkids, including my birthday. When I say I met her wants and needs, I was talking about going over the top on Christmas and Valentines day, with my normal ineffective gift giving.

Again, on the A/OM front, I am not mentioning it again, and I have forgiven her. It is water under the bridge, and I realize that without this way of thinking things will never work. I have no idea what is going on with her now, she could be dating him again for all I know… grrrr

I also agree with the “but’s” and scorekeeping. That is what I have been doing. I have been constantly thinking about what is “right” and my though processes and have not really been thinking of her perspective/opinions which I need to do. You are right, if there was a scorecard I would most certainly be behind. You’re also correct in that my verbal abuse is the reason I am here. I guess I am discounting it because she verbally abused me as well (not saying this for any reason but the truth as I forgive her), it just didn’t affect me in the same way. I mean look at TV sitcoms the husbands get “verbally abused” all the time. The hurtful things she said to me I took with a grain of salt, I really didn’t care as I knew they were said in anger and she didn’t mean them. I wish she would have taken the same viewpoint with my drunken tirades. You are right that people are never going to see things the same way and that is important to remember, thanks for sharing your viewpoint of your sitch.

I am seeing your many points about forgiveness… I honestly have forgiven her, forgetting is my problem… That is one of the major things I need to work on.

I apologized to my first wife for my behavior, she has forgiven me and moved on and is happy, not married, but happy.

So I am done keeping score, I see and really can’t argue with any of the points you have made 25. I am so hurting right now by the fact that she nor my stepchildren acknowledged my birthday in any way. I really am digesting that as a sign that things are probably irrecoverable and was speaking defensively yesterday out of hurt and anger because of that. I haven’t talked to her in a week either and that isn’t helping, but I am staying the course.

I do own what I’ve done. I will never say a harsh word to anyone again, and I have stopped drinking. That change in and of itself is a key to my life. She hasn’t really had an opportunity to see any change in me though, because we spend no time together.

I agree that I have to work on getting over the Affair and let it go. I honestly don’t know if I will be able to or not, I am certainly going to try. I agree without my being able to do this putting any effort into reconciling would be a waste of time.

In the meantime I will continue with the LRT, 37 steps, and heck I’m about to set a new personal record without contacting her and I’m still alive.

So now starts the 25 induced reboot, you’ve provided some of the best feedback that I’ve received on here 25 and I thank you for it. I’ve also got my first divorce busting appt. at 1pm so I will report on how that goes, in a new thread because it looks like it’s time to retire this one.

Thank you so much again, I truly appreciate your help 