Still waiting for the Sole Partner book. In the meantime, I thought I'd throw out the recent WAS (me) sitch. I'm not sure what I need, but your thoughts are always appreciated.
Saturday, I thought I had the day to myself as H was supposed to go with S11 on a boy scout trip. I slept late, lounged in bed, had plans to visit my gma. As I finally got up, H surprised me and walks into the room and tells me he wanted to spend time together and talk. There was a time in our R that I would have really been excited. But instead, my private response was, "CR@P!!!"
He seems so clueless on life and relationship. It seems like I have to explain the most basic aspects of relational interaction. Even when he's "trying," our interactions are so awkward and artificial. At one point, he told me that he would find it easier to like me if I liked him more first. I asked if that attitude jibed with his Christian beliefs. He said it did. So I referenced "love your enemies" and "do unto others as you'd have them do unto you", and that as a husband, he's supposed to love me as Christ loved the church, but as his wife I'm to obey him (not love.) These are pretty well-known verses, and he was familiar with them. After I pointed them out to him, then he agreed that his attitude was wrong. But for a man that is very active in the church, is this really something I should have to explain to him?
He was also told years ago by a counselor that he needed to "mine my heart," to study me and get to know me. A recent book I was reading said a very similar thing. This has always been an issue for us because he just wants a bullet-point list that he can follow (which, ironically, he doesn't do anyway.) He doesn't want to invest any personal energy in me. I tried to relate it to him that it's like buying someone a surprise b-day present -- you have to watch and listen and learn. So last night, I'm sitting watching tv and playing Words, and he sits down on the other sofa. After about 15 minutes, he tells me he's studying me. What do I say to that? He should have been able to glean everything there was to know about my present activities in the first 15 seconds. And is it really appropriate to announce it? With him, I always feel like I'm dealing with a child that accomplishes a tiny feat then I have to offer them glowing accolades. Except that's appropriate for a child, not a 57yo man. Maybe I am supposed to, but frankly, I don't have the energy or even the desire.
I also did a check-in on the "criticism" issue. He has not once pointed out where I've criticized him, and he confirmed that he couldn't think of any time in the last week that I had. I'm willing to bet anyone here that next week's check will have the same results, and the week after that and the week after that. I don't believe this because I have the capacity to change instantly, but rather that he simply likes to assign blame even if it's fabricated. Of course, my just having a different opinion than him is criticism to him, so I haven't been sharing my opinion.
I've spent so many years thinking about my future without him that I'm not sure I have it in me to re-engage. Even if he did a 180 on everything and I could fully forgive his past, I just don't know that I even want to try to rebuild.
