Too Little Too Late.... part 7

[2chiquitos]

" I just have a hard time balancing what I need to own and what is also not my fault."



, I feel so much regret for all the things I put him through and I can understand why he wants out b/c he tried for all those years to not give up on me.. but I failed him every time. My H *did* try to tell me that he wasn't happy- although it never came until he had reached his breaking point, so he was more angry than I realized. The pattern became: he would tell me that he wasn't happy with our M, I would do a few things to make life better, it would only last a week or two... then it would build up and start over again. Over the years, my H stopped telling me because he had learned that it wouldn't do any good. I struggle with how do I apologize to him for so many years of neglect? Is that ever forgivable?

The thing I have a hard time accepting (and it makes me very sad) is that I never had the strength to take his pain to heart and do "the really hard work" to permanently fix the problems. I had the mindset that *I* had a right to express my anger in whatever way I wanted to, and if he couldn't deal with it- than he could leave (really selfish and conceited, huh?!) In my therapy, I've learned what things in my past and life experiences that didn't allow me to be vulnerable and admit that *I* was in the wrong. All I can do now is move forward in this "new self awareness" body and mind.... and hope that it's enough to allow him to love and trust me again.

I feel the exact same way. I admitted BEFORE all this happened that I used him as a scapegoat. I wish I had made a more concerted effort to change.