I don't know what I'm doing trying to post a thread? I've been lurking since ilybut dropped 1/9/12. H came home from a quick trip, I smelled perfume, and said so. He blew it off! But two days later, after making love, he said he'd seen a L and was filing. Of course, I did all the wrong thing, crying, pleading, offer to mc. Nope. He packed his bags and was gone. well this is still a fog time for me, but I found the DR book and this site and have been following newcomers alot. Our history, 2nd marriage for both, no kids together, each of us has 2 each grown kids. Known each other for over 20 years. He cheated alot in his first marriage. I cheated once in my whole life with him. We worked together. I broke up both our marriages. We went on for five years before we got married. During cheating time before, first marriages broke up I got pregnant and had an abortion. No one but us knew about it. I had a horrible childhood, my mom died 3 days after I was born, had a bad stepmother, never really felt much love or trust. Bad self esteem, but somehow managed. Well all that stuff, which I never got help with came back to bite me and my husband. What I've learned in past few weeks is this: My H is a Mr. Nice Guy people pleaser, would do anything to avoid conflict. Would rarely call me on my crap. I always perceived that he was trying to control me, he always denied. He made way more money than me and pretty much lipserviced me in major decisions, but it was pretty much his decision. We retired 5 years ago and moved an hour and a half from our old home. Never felt I had any choice but to go along. H is an extrovert, me and introvert. He has thrived in this retirement, me not so much, to go from regular working lives, where alot of stuff doesn't get dealt with to being around each other 24/7, yikes. I over the past 5 years have been withdrawing from r, I have become depressed, no interest in sex, he's hugely interested in sex. Last year, he smugly told me that if I didn't with it he would find someone else! Great for my trust issues with him. He also shared all this with everyone he knows, including his mother. His father passed away 2 years ago. So then he became family patriarc, which he loves in his people pleasing role. He also has had chronic back issues for the last year and a half, which he will finally be getting surgery for. Anyway, I'm sure this is long enough, I know we both created this mess. But the papers have been filed, he's staying in the house and I am now apt. searching. I read the book ilbutnotilwy also. I see where I and dwe went so wrong. But he does not believe I will ever change. So I am doing LRT as best I can. I have never been through so much pain in my life. I don't have any girfriends, my kids are checking in with me almost daily. They don't live close. Thank God for this site, I feel like I have friends. Thank you